the never-ending search for the perfect song

Eurovision Cheat Sheet - The "Big Four" and Norway!

2010-05-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

Some people think that France and Germany have too much power in the EU, but that is nothing compared to the Eurovision Song Contest, where they are part of the “Big Four” and thus automatically get into the finals. Spain and the UK are the other two. As unfair as this obviously is, nobody seems to mind, since none of the “Big Four” have actually won it since 1997, when the UK won it by dragging Katrina & The Waves out of retirement.

I was talking to a guy in Vienna about this, or specifically about whether he saw any similarities between the European Union and the Eurovision Song Contest. I felt he was an informed fellow on these kinds of issues since he worked at the United States Embassy (admittedly just in IT, but he does receive Mother’s Day cards from Hilary Clinton) and therefore should be all up on topics of a geopolitical nature. There is a feeling you see, that the European Union is not just a trading bloc, but a reflection of a pan-European identity. As such there is much soul searching over whether Turkey should be allowed to join the EU, based on whether they are “European” enough, and whether Eurovision can be seen as a small but critical part of being incorporated into the European identity.

For the record, Turkey does compete in Eurovision, and so far it hasn’t seemed to have helped them.

Will this favoritism help the “Big Four” this year? Let’s have a look.

Much discussion has centered upon Germany, due to a number of factors including (a) the song “Satellite” is already a huge hit, not only in Germany, but Switzerland and Austria too, although since Austria is not participating in Eurovision this year, that’s was actually a lot of promotional money that could have been better spent elsewhere and (b) it’s by a teenage girl. The latter is relevant because the last time Germany won Eurovision (in 1982) it was also with a teenage girl. These are good signs. As is the fact that it’s gotten over 4 million hits on YouTube (everyone else is getting half a million if they are lucky) where it is particularly popular in Turkey, Norway and those tiny little Baltic countries. It is also getting good odds amongst people betting about who will win Eurovision. Apparently people will bet about anything these days. Bookies are currently taking bets on which airports will be closed tomorrow due to volcano dust.

But is it a good song?

Depends. What’s your position on German teenagers trying to sound like Lily Allen (or more accurately Kate Nash)? What’s your position on songs with bad metaphors (or is it a simile?) such as “like a satellite/ I’m in an orbit all the way around you”? What’s your position on teenage girls being a little bit too enthusiastic? If you answered “like” then, this is the song for you. There is also the unbeatably bad grammar of the first verse:

“I bought new underwear they blue.”

It’s the “they” that makes it art.

What’s great about this song is that unlike most love songs that list the things that the singer would do for their love one, such as, let’s say Bryan Adam’s “Everything I Do I Do It For You”…

“I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you”

Lena (for that is the girl’s name) is adorably specific. In addition to the new blue underwear, she leaves on the porch light (although I’m pretty sure Germany is not really a porch friendly country), and paints her toe-nails (color unspecified).

France has raided the local thrift store and come out with old school hip-hop gear from 1989, and come up with “Allez Ola Ole” by Jessy Matador (after some speculation that David Guetta – of “Sexy Bitch” fame – would get the job). Realizing that much of the appeal of Shaggy comes from when he goes “ha-hmmm Mr Lover Lover eh” and other similar interjections, Jessy does a few of his own, most notably a rather fantastic “bbbrrrrrrr.” Much has been made of France’s decision to save money in tough economic times, and use the song for both Eurovision, and their official World Cup anthem, but it is, if nothing else, the easiest Eurovision song to dance to.

So France didn’t get annoying hit-maker David Guetta, which may have been a big mistake, since the UK got (despite Morrissey constantly giving hints that he wants to write a Eurovision song) Pete Waterman and Mike Stock, ie two-thirds of Stock, Aitken & Waterman, ie those dudes who wrote everything from “You Spin Me Round Like A Record” to Mel & Kims “Respectable” to “Never Gonna Give You Up” to Bananarama’s “Love In The First Degree” to most of Kylie’s early hits, as well as Jason’s. In short, this is a bit of a “big deal”, almost to the extent of seeming like a “sure thing.” And the chorus is pretty awesome in a bubblegum pop anthem kind of way, and the dancing girls do the kind of dumb dance moves that teenage girls did in their bedrooms when listening to SAW songs.

Unfortunately the British people chose a lad called Josh to sing it. Now even though, when they weren’t working with drag queens or “chicks with attitude”, SAW did tend to prefer their pop stars to be clean-cut, they usually had some sort of edge to them. Josh makes Rick Astley look like Marilyn Manson.

We can probably say now that Eurovision… it’s not coming home.

Which leaves us with Spain. Which is kind of cute, a bit like Mika doing a polka. Is the world ready for that? No? Well then…

Since Norway won last year, they go straight into the finals. Can they replicate the success of that violin guy (and it has to be admitted, that was pretty special)? Well… no. Violin guy was a bit of a novelty. Something a little bit different from the norm. But this time it’s ANOTHER soppy love ballad.

Chance of Norway winning two in a row? Pretty much not.

Eurovision Cheat Sheet - Semi Final Two!

2010-05-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

Another bunch of countries. Another bunch of songs.

Lithuania gives us excellently named “Eastern European Funk”, although how this song managed to get through the “no political messages in your songs please” rule, I’m not sure, since it’s all nationalistic and all about Eastern Europeans emigrating to the West to steal jobs (or something).

Sample lyrics:

“Yes Sir we are legal we are, though we are not as legal as you (hey!)
No Sir we're not equal no, though we are both from the EU (hey!)”

Legality. Equality. The EU. Sounds political to me. But if Serbia’s entry “Ovo je Balkan” or “This Is The Balkans”, was aimed at attempting to gain the pan-Balkan vote, then these guys should get good scores right across Eastern Europe, which, according to my Lonely Planet consists of 18 countries (although Hungary and the Czech Republic aren’t participating)! So I think we may have a winner.

I mean, it has a kazoo, and oversized novelty instruments, and isn’t actually funk but ska (possibly the whitest genre of music ever, despite its Jamaican roots), and yet still manages to not be as annoying as Netherland’s entry “Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-La-Lie),” which was apparently written by the same guy who wrote the Smurfs movie score. How can they possibly lose?

Well there’s a few reasons why Lithuania might lose actually. For one thing, there’s Denmark, who have taken the Police’s “Every Breathe You Take” and planted an Abba-esque love duet with the essence of an 80s movie theme song on the top, sung by Bryan Adams. It is quite simply brilliant, perfect for screaming along to in the car, could well be huge, and I now forgive them for Aqua.

Then there is Sweden.

Everybody always looks forward to Sweden of course, because of the ABBA factor. This year they may even deserve it, competing head to head with Denmark for the uplifting, upbeat, and ultimately inspiring pop ballad vote. Bad strategy, but good song (it’s already been Number One in Sweden for four weeks) but given that so many other countries are going for the down-cast, down-tempo, and ultimately uninspiring pop ballads (I’m talking to you Israel, why are you even in Eurovision, you aren’t even in Europe), they may still be in with a chance. It may be, after all, the most touching power ballad to come out of Sweden since "Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette.

Then there’s the disco amazingness of Romania’s effort, “Playing With Fire”, the greatest song Scissor Sisters never wrote. Piano solos and fiery special effects abound everywhere (although they clearly need to work a bit on the latter) in an utterly karaokeable spectacular. Are they releasing a Eurovision 2010 Karaoke Disc? I think I want it. Sunfly, you know what to do.

Then there is Azerbaijan who are currently the favorites to win, and although they do a half-decent job at a pop ballad for downers, most notably with the chorus “these teardrops, teardrops/ they drip drop, drip drop/ woah -oh woah-oh”, and although they have done progressively better each contest over the last few years, somehow I just can’t see this winning. If it turns out that they don’t though they might like to give it to Beyonce or Jordin Sparks after the show. (There is also a rumour that they are trying to “buy” the competition, so make sure you gain kudos by mentioning that during the broadcast)

It seems to be the year for duets (although every year is duet year in Eurovision) and we now come to the car crash of Slovenia’s entry “Narodnozabavni Rock”, which translates into “Folk Rock”, or, more accurately, if I’m not totally mistaken “Folk vs. Rock”, the gist of the song appearing to be “I like folk music” “I like rock” “We come together ‘cos opposites attract.”

Significantly tougher is Turkey, whose MaNga play the role of the token rock band. Sadly, they are no Lordi, the heavy metal group who dressed up as medieval monsters and won it for Finland in 2006.

Armenia gives us more nationalism (a song about going back to her Armenian roots because that’s who she really is. A bit like “Flame Trees” but with a better beat) but more importantly the couplet “I began to cry a lot / so she gave me apricot.”

I always go into Swiss entries with a sense of trepidation, since they haven’t won since 1988, when they had Celine Dion on their side. As such everything bad about music in the nineties can be blamed on one decision by a Swiss Eurovision official (with the exception of Tina Arena, that was our fault, and I’m sorry.). Later on they got DJ Bobo on board. However the scariest thing about this years representative, Michael von der Heide, is his ears.

Eurovision is not only big on duets, it is also big on “why can’t everybody just love eachother?” kind of songs. The Ukraine has come up with one with gothic over-tones, sung by a grey eyed blonde who looks as though she should be singing about running through a field of daffodils.

This time the sample lyric is:

“Oh, sweet people
Have you no love for mankind?
Must you go on killing
Just to pass the time.”

Passionate, but utterly terrible. Not as terrible as Michael Jackson’s “what about the elephants?/ have we lost their trust? /what about crying whales?” but pretty terrible none the less.

Do not be misled by the name of Croatia entrant. Feminnem is not Lady Sovereign under another name. In fact they are as far from hip-hop as things get. I don’t think they even swear once. And they are not particularly loyal either. They sang for Bosnia in 2005.

Then there is Ireland, definitely a super-power of Eurovision, having practically owned the contest from 1992-1996, winning four out of those five years. However they haven’t made the finals in the last two years. Can they stage a come back? Or does the dragging out of previous winner, Niamh Kavanagh, smell of desperation? Or at least an attempt to take advantage of her innate Susan Boyle-ness?

Eurovision is about kitsch, but it’s not all about kitsch. If it were then Bulgaria would be in with a very good chance, with a brilliantly tacky techno track of epic proportions, with a video made up almost entirely of a series of threesomes (or to be precise a twosome with some dweeb awkwardly trying to cop a feel at the side). Sexy. And a little bit depressing.

This of course is not what shall actually be performed on the night. I’ve seen the performance for the night, and let’s just say it involves a white shirt being blow off by a wind machine. Whether it shall be sung in English or not is uncertain, and quite frankly, it’s probably better if they decide on Bulgarian and keep the mystery intact. Here are some sample lyrics:

“We were just children
But some of us have grown up
Others have not changed
They've just stayed in heaven”

Actually I’ve just watched the live performance again, and it’s so full of terrifying douche baggery that it must be shown…

Eurovision Cheat Sheet - Semi Final One!

2010-05-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

Eurovision is back! Always a very exciting moment for lovers of kitsch around the world, although often a very exhausting experience, as one needs to sit through an infinite number of powers ballads and things even more terrible, to get to the good stuff. So here at The Never Ending Search For The Perfect Song, have come up with a cheat sheet for you to study, with the added bonus of making you look like an expert when you sing along to every word at your Eurovision party. Or alternatively come across as an obsessed nut-job.

So here we go, into Semi Final One!

Moldova, Europe’s last remaining Communist country, has produced some very happy sounding hi-NRG techno, with a catchy saxophone riff, for their comrades to party along to.

The Russian entrant gives us someone who sounds like a Soviet spy (or possibly Boris Yeltsin after a few too many vodkas) singing a Seekers song. It’s all quite charming really. But they should have brought back T.A.T.U. who actually did quite well when they were Russia’s representatives, coming third.

Estonia is aiming directly for the indie kid vote, finding a bony faced poncey mod, complete with a cravat, waving around a bunch of flowers, and acting like a star. The song is a little bit soulful (if your idea of soulful is Paul Young), a little bit atmospheric (if your idea of atmospheric is Moby), and very NOW actually. If they don’t win Eurovision (and they probably wont) they might end up being big on Hype Machine (assuming that the bloggers of the world wont disqualify them from indie credibility which they probably will). There’s also a video involving the singer with a giant head.

Latvia brings us the adorably named “What For? (Only Mr. God Knows Why)” by the adorably baby-faced Aisha, who, as baby-faced as she is, is still probably not quite baby-faced enough to get away with singing a song to Mr. God. How old does she think we take her for? Six?

As is well known, Eurovision is actually very political, with countries usually voting for their allies and neighbours (or maybe just the cultures they feel most familiar with). Since the former Yugoslavia now comprises of six nations (although Montenegro is not participating this year) that’s a lot of votes that can be gained through a stance of trans-Balkan solidarity. And so Serbia’s entry is called “Ovo je Balkan” or “This Is The Balkans”, which is likely to prove irresistible to their many neighbors, but probably not to anyone else. Unless there is a latent love for bowl cuts that I am unaware of.

Actually, judging by Bosnia’s Matchbox 20esque “Thunder & Lightning” – sample lyric “thunder and lightning holding hands”, yes this is another “why can’t we all love each other” song – maybe Montenegro were right in staying home. The Balkans are going to get murdered.

Belgium has decided to represent themselves with a dweeby sensitive folk singer with his song “Me And My Guitar”, which alternates between two vocal techniques (a) nasally, and (b) falsetto, both of which just shout out “sensitive artist!” In the song he struggles between whether he should continue being a poor folk singer, or whether he should sell out and get a job. Or go on Eurovision. The song has already gone to Number One in Belgium, but only in the Flanders half. Wallonia is less enthused.

Singing in Portugese will probably not help Portugal, who are instead putting all their chips on a performance so passionate that I am actually looking forward to her having a nervous breakdown on the night. She strikes a number of dramatic poses, most notably the standing with her hand out in a stop sign at 1.25, her stroking of the grand piano at 2.10, and the outstretched arm/head turn hair wave at the 3 minute mark.

Slovakia, whilst singing in Slovak, are competing not necessarily on the song (as if THAT matters) but the combination of ridiculous costumes and even more ridiculous dance moves. It’s a subtle choice, but the little shuffle at 1.55 is my favorite.

Poland are going the slightly pretentious route this year, with “Legenda,” which sounds very much like a bad rock opera, although there are some redeeming features, such as bit where she screams at the mirror and the guy goes “gosh.” If there is any room for art in Eurovision, Poland shall certainly take it. It also got stuck in my head today, so it’s clearly not as tuneless as it might appear the first time you hear it. Unfortunately most voters will only get to hear it once, so there’s a potential strategic error at work here.

Belarus are described in “Lonely Planet” as a “supermodel factory”, and this is certainly demonstrated by the attractiveness of 3+2 (because there are 3 girls and 2 guys in case you couldn’t guess). Sadly their song is called “Butterflies” and starts…

“I’m gonna tell you what’s inside my soul.
We are as fragile just like melting snow”

And then gets worse.

Malta is the kind of tiny island nation so small that everyone gets their chance at performing at Eurovision, and this year it is Thea Garrett, with a song that sounds as though it was written for the winner of Malta Idol. It’s called “My Dream.” You get the idea.

Albania is no longer exporting “furious political thought,” they are exporting choruses so basic (“it’s all about you/ the things that I do”) that even the fact that it’s written in their second language can’t be used as a legitimate excuse. They also may have used the same producer as Cascada’s “Evacuate The Dancefloor.”

Greece have been in the Top Ten countries every year since 2004, and lets face it, they need some cheering up about now. And they provide what they always do. A song that sounds like that techno version of ‘Zorba The Greek’ that was a hit around 2000 or so. This one includes a riff that sounds like an old Nokia ringtone, and sadly, will probably go down about as badly as their economy. Worse still, for the umpteenth time since Alexander The Great, Greece may be humiliated by Macedonia, whose tune sounds like he’s singing about “dinosaurs”, features an awful rap, and blistering guitar solo. Just wow. All the kind of things that Eurovision voters seem to lap up.

And finally we have Iceland, who finally have gotten Bjork to sing for them. Sadly it is Hera Bjork, who plays the role of a middle aged and overweight house wife unsatisfied with her life. And doesn’t she play it well. Life experience is a valuable thing. Her song is a pumping commercial techno track called “Je Ne Sais Quoi”, and I don’t think the French language has ever sounded less sexy, as when she bellows out the song title in a way that is probably supposed to be joyous, but instead comes out more as “look out or I’ll sit on you.” It’s already made it to No.2 on the Icelandic charts.

Romania's Biggest Pop Star Ever!

2010-05-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that I do not put ample effort into this blog, since in The Never Ending Search For The Perfect Song, I visited Romania, to uncover the biggest pop phenomenon ever to come out of the country.

If you are a fan of girlie-Euro-trash (and let’s face it,who isn’t?) it is possible that you have heard of Inna, since she currently taking over the world, with her brand of hi-energy trance and sex-potness, both of which are amply demonstrated in her smash hit single “Hot”, which even made the UK Top Ten!

Being from Romania and probably therefore the first Romanian pop super star in history, I figure that they are probably kind of excited about her, although I have to say I did not hear her at all whilst I was in the country, and I even requested it at a nightclub in Bucharest with no luck and was in fact told to go back upstairs, which I suspect was a nice way of saying “fuck off you Aussie bastard.” And so I learned that an electro night at a bar imaginatively titled IndieClub (and with the slogan “a meeting place for intelligent people”) is not Inna’s kind of place.

Where I did hear it, and where I heard it an awful lot, due to a bartender/iPod Nazi who was obsessed with the song, in Istanbul. He must have played it three or four times in a row at some stage every night. And why wouldn’t he? It’s the kind of song that inspires this kind of reaction:

According to Wikipedia “Hot” was a number Number One in Romania, Moldova, Bulgaria, Lebanon, Malta, Poland, Spain, Syria, Turkey, Russia, Hungary, Greece and Ukraine. I’m amazed that some of those countries even have charts.

All of which shows that Romania is that kind of precious little country where times don’t change, and it is still the mid-90s and N-Trance’s “Set You Free” is considered the height of human accomplishment. Let’s put it this way: Scooter are still doing gigs there.

And here’s her Romanian (and Bulgarian!) Number One Single “Amazing.” It’s fair to say that it’s not as good as “Hot”, it doesn’t have the hookiness of the “fly like you do it” bit, but the video does have the advantage of having something for everyone in the perve-worthy-ness stakes (although it’s likely that as many girls will go “ew!” as “ooh!” at the “sexy lifeguard.”) It also has some Spanish guitar for extra clichéd sexiness.

Sadly, Inna shall not be representing Romania in this years Eurovision Song Contest.

NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE KNIFE!!!!!!!! HEART-FLIPPIN'-BEATS!!!!!!

2010-04-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

“You really should get over it.” “they” say.

But how could one possibly? “Heartbeats” is AMAZING!

How can you get over the Hawaiian kettle drums? They are AMAZING!!! They are like totally my favorite percussive instrument, even better than cowbells. When you hear Hawaiian kettle drums you know something amazing is going to happen. Possibly a music festival, where our story takes place… (and then there is the BIG 80S DRUM ROLL just to top it off!!!! AMAZING!!!!)

“Both under influence/ we had divine sense/ to know what to say”… okay, things are going well so far. They seem to be getting along well.

“My wrists a razor blade”

WHAT?!!?!?!

Hang on…. This is a love song. Some people say they are “crazy in love” but it takes a certain kind of craziness to slit your wrists in a love song. And so, it is, an EXTREME LOVE SONG! AMAZING!!!!

So… it’s a story of a one night stand, or “ten days of perfect tunes”, she seems a little unclear on the actual time frame going on here, because when you’re in a festival and on those pills, who the fuck knows what day it is, Tiesto is playing it must be Friday. So, in “ten days of perfect tunes” we have the connection between music and love. They are in love because of the music. Music makes the people come together, as Madonna claimed at the beginning of the decade, which sounded like a total cliché at the time, and it still does, because it is entirely true! AMAZING!

So emotions are heightened in this song, and very high they are. “YEAH!” she screams, multiple times, at the end, and it’s not often that Karin Knife sounds happy, being more accustomed to slitting her wrists with razor blades as we have already demonstrated and here of course we have the true reason for “Heartbeats” by The Knife being the song of the decade. Not only is it a song of the electro vibe, of the kind that gradually took over the pop world over the course of the decade, but also, given the mention of razor blades and wrists, THE MOST EMO LOVE SONG OF THEM ALL!!!!. So that’s two major trends of the noughties for the price of one! Also six years on, the song still sounds futuristic – although that’s possibly because Karin’s voice sounds like that thing in Alien – and that’s quite an achievement in this fast moving world in which we are living.

I can’t get over it. It’s a great song.

AMAZING!!!

No. 2 M.I.A. - Paper Planes

2010-04-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

M.I.A. was the terrorist made adorable and no more than here. Can anyone possibly take her “some some some some I murder” shtick seriously when she sings it in such a cutesy-pie voice? M.I.A. was globalization made cuddly, as, like Islamic terrorists wearing Nike because deep down they think that Americans are cool, she plays around with the basic ingredients of a hip-hop culture - such as metaphors featuring brand names, such as swaggering - and transplants it into her own “third world democracy” vision (what ever that meant exactly), taking back the charts for the developing world like an army of guerillas wearing designer flouro Che t-shirts. Which as anyone who has ever been tempted to join Socialist Alliance knows, is a lot of fun.

When “Paper Planes” first came out, the most common comment about it was just “Rump Shaker” with bombs instead of bums. But after years of finding yourself on the dancefloor, bopping up and again, and making gun shaped hand signals and gun noises effects with your mouth as though you are playing Cowboys and Indians, it is clear that the song is now so much more. It’s a song that is able to stick it to totalitarian regimes simply though the power of being cool.

Hell, who doesn’t like songs with sound effect movements they you can do to it? Nobody. I’m doing them in my seat right now. I can’t believe that there is not more of this shit. And the sass in which she says “and take your monie, and you still wanna fuck me don’t you?” (the last bit doesn’t need to be said, it’s just inferred)

As much as M.I.A.’s experience with the third world goes little further than what you or I could gather from a couple of backpacking trips or a World Vision special, it still describes a world far more exotic than usually described in pop. Borders? Visas? Hell, even the idea of singing a song about “sitting on trains”, as if it’s as worthy of being included in a pop song as “rolling in a Benzo” makes it clear that this is from another world, but is still the kind of song that everyone, regardless what corner of the planet they reside, can relate to. Don’t we all want to *Pow! Pow! Pow!”* and “chi-ching” and take your money?

No. 3 Arcade Fire - Neighbourhood No.3 (Power Out)

2010-04-10T21:03:00.001-07:00

Although certainly not a dominant theme of this list (the dominant theme probably being cute pop stars I’d like to marry) religion, or at least pop stars who want to start cults, has been something of a reoccurring theme (ex-cult member Girls for example, faux cults Polyphonic Spree and The Flaming Lips, the we met at church camp-ness of The Black Kids), a sub-plot if you will. The need to believe in something in our post-religion world was obviously on the mind of many pop stars in the Noughties, and the approach that Arcade Fire brought to it was deep enough to score glowing reviews by Christian music blogs, and yes, I can’t believe that there are such things either. (http://www.thefish.com/)

Yet still, Arcade Fire did not get a mention when the Pope revealed his Top Ten favorite albums a few months ago, probably because he mistook them for Amish (I know I often do)

For anyone (which was everyone) who felt that the world needed saving the Noughties, here is an anthem for you, a song that even though it might startle you with its sudden beginning, it’s New Order drums, and lyrics about picking fights (it isn’t often that Arcade Fire sound like they want to commit violent acts so you know when they do that this is something serious, as if you couldn’t tell that by the way he begs for forgiveness), will concern you even more with state of the world, even it drains out and slows down to announce “and the powers out in the heart of man” at which point its probably fair to throw your hands in the air and give up hope.

And that therefore is the reason why U2 pop in to play with Arcade Fire (check out their version of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” together, it’s tragic). They need to get some tips from the only band that believes more strongly in …. God? the power of rock’n’roll? salvation?... more than they do.

No. 4 The Postal Service - Such Great Heights

2010-04-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

What a poet Ben Gibbard is.

The kind of poet that has clearly decided that his song writing philosophy should be “why understate things, when you can overstate them.” Take, for example the song “Transatlanticism”, a song simply about just missing someone because you’re in the US and they’re in the UK, but which Ben decides to use as a metaphor for the creation of the Atlantic Ocean, which just feels a little bit like taking it too far.

The kind of poet manages to fit into pretty much any song he writes, at least a couple of moments of OMG poetical genius (mostly produced by stretching a metaphor way past its breaking point), amongst the one guitar and a lots of complaining.

All these quirks are funneled into “Such Great Heights”, a concentrated form of his poetic genius, in such the first verse, a verse that if it doesn’t go down in history with Shakespeare and Byron, it will be because a giant asteroid run into Earth and killed us all (see, I can over do it too)

“I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay”

I’m not even going to start on how many ways those lyrics are beautiful, nor how they may be overdone in their beauty, because girls seem to like that sort of thing. Dance to this song, whilst gazing into the eyes of your loved one (trying to line up your freckles as you do so) and they find it so romantic that you don’t have to buy them flowers or cook them breakfast practically ever.

No. 5 Kate Nash - Foundations

2010-04-10T20:47:00.001-07:00

If I can’t marry Alana from the Grates then I guess Kate Nash will do even though she’s a ranga. And given that this is on a little passive aggressive tune (maybe not so much passive, maybe just aggressive) that should shout out “this girl has issues”, Kate should take this as the highest of compliments.

You can tell this by the first line and the way she says “fine” as if by “fine” she means “well I wont kill you tonight, you get to live another day and I hope that you appreciate that and the effort that this is requiring me to make.” It’s fair to say that in that single word “fine” there is more vindictiveness than in the whole of Lily Allen’s “Smile” and that is probably the highest compliment of all.

The levels of vindictiveness displayed in this song are far from virtuous, not leaving the heating on and all, although I’m sure we’ve all been in the situation where our other half throws up on our trainers and totally relate to her frustration, and that is the subject of today’s poll.

What exactly is the most bitchiest comment in this song. Is it:

(A) “Intelligent input darling why don’t you just have another beer then”
Or is it:

(B) “I’d rather be with your friends mate cos they are much fitter”

Or

( C) “OMG I hope I’m not stuck with this one” (complete with eye rolling)

My votes going for the last one (mostly due to the eyes rolling and blowing the fringe out of her eyes that habitually goes along with it) but its a close call.

No. 6 The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?

2010-04-10T04:03:00.001-07:00

I remember the first time I heard this song. It was early morning (I believe there was a fog) and I was driving down the road with the sun in my eyes. It came on and I realized (boom boom tish) then and there (I should point out that the fog lifted, in a rather symbolic manner, at this point) that this would be the song that I shall play at my funeral (which disturbed me a little since I haven’t figured out what to play at my wedding yet, and one would like to be a little bit optimistic about their life, and choose one before the other). Since then I have found out that this is everyone funeral song, and so am feeling somewhat like a cliché.

Which is fair, and I shouldn’t feel too bad about it (there’s just not enough time in my life to do what I want to do, without feeling bad about clichés) because like most deep and meaningful songs, created in the hope that they’ll get some royalties from being quoted in Hallmark cards, “Do You Realize?” is full of clichés. The Flaming Lips tell you truths that you already know to be true. And are hence inarguable. Truths such as:

“The sun don’t go down/ it’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round.” At which point you realize, “OMG he’s right! How clever he is” without realizing “y’know, there was that guy called Copernicus...”

Because that is the thing with great cult leaders, they can spout the most obvious clichés and have them sound like the deepest things ever spoken.

Also starting the song off with the thing everyone most wants to hear, that “you have the most beautiful face”. How many people do you think got sucked in by that declaration? I know that I did? Yep, these cult leaders know what they are doing. How do you think they get so many minions and groupies?

No. 7 Kanye West - Gold Digger

2010-04-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

Kanye, even at his most jackassy, is just more likable than your average pop star. Whenever he does something stupid – just put “Kanye West Quotes” into Google and watch him say shit like “The Bible has 20,30,40,50 characters it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible?” it’s just like “oh that’s just Kanye being Kayne”, and if awards ceremonies want to save their ratings they’d place Kanye in the front row and make sure that he got totally mashed. Pop stars are supposed to be crazy. He’s doing a good job on that side of things, and with “Gold Digger” he did a good job on the song-you-just-can’t-escape-from front, because it’s one thing to be the biggest egomaniac is pop, but it’s another to make a fully fledged Glee-covered pop classic.

Some critics say Kanye’s complex, this little middle class momma’s boy, who entered the world of hip-hop and tried so hard to belong, and despite being about as “hood” as the Cosby kids, managed to become the biggest rap star in the world, by writing pop songs that you don’t have to be the proud owners of an AK47 in order to appreciate. Still, I seem to spend a lot of time defending Kanye, usually pulling out the line from “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”: “I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven/ when I woke I spent that on a necklace”, in which he crammed in spiritualism, materialism and self depreciation all in five seconds. One reason that “Gold Digger” is a classic he because Kanye manages to cram in a little something for everyone, and make it super danceable as well. Making raising a kid sound like a life sentence managed to attract the same redneck market that lapped up “Married With Children” in the 90s. There was something for the guys at the pub who got given the opportunity to yell out “we want pre-nup!” Hell there’s even something for the workers at KFC, as Kanye makes frying fries sound like an entirely valid career path. Finally girls could feel that they could look at their man and think “you know, you aint just some stupid lazy ass son of a bitch.” Obviously I’m making assumptions here, but I’d like to think that this song brought couples closer together, and possibly saved some dudes from deciding to quit working in retail in order to become a pimp. Surely that’s enough of a contribution to society to deserve a mention in the Bible?

No. 8 Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

2010-04-10T03:18:00.001-07:00

The song that proved that even leather jacket wearing hipsters have feelings too. The song that showed that sometimes experimental noise art students who look as though they would never utter a sentiment more committal than “meh”, can write a song with more emotional punch than ten years of R&B torch songs (which are supposed to be good at that sort of thing).

“Maps” – which by the way, is a terrible name for a song, what next? A song called “in car navigation system”?– is liking watching a car crash of emotional display, that you know can only end badly but you can’t look away. “ Wait…. they don’t love you like I love you”, Karen O pleads, so desperately that even her super fringe is not enough to hide her true feelings.

No. 9 The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name

2010-04-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

I have detected a level of concern amongst people that I know, that this I may actually proclaim this song as the best of the decade. Although, hey, I haven’t mentioned “Great DJ” yet, so there is still a chance for them.

Some girls are so cute that you just have to hold yourself back from going ‘awww” and patting them on the head when ever you see them. You have to hold yourself back from doing this, because apparently they do not always like, or appreciate this. So much so that the world of pop is full of songs in which girls inform boys that they don’t appreciate this at all but trying to sound all tough about it, and usually failing. “That’s Not My Name” follows in that noble tradition, but unlike similar songs that have gone before them, “TNMN” does not just shout in your face, sock you with awe, and then leave you gaping. Instead it sticks around and turns into an ABSOLUTE EPIC (what with all the bits, simple in themselves, but when “they call me Stacey…” mashes up with “are you calling me darling”, all on top of a bass of whatever the dude is mumbling about, then awesomeness abounds)!

And you know that she means it because she starts the song with a drum beat (and I do like it when bands have their own drums with the band name on them), kind of like “We Will Rock You” only almost funky, the kind of drum beat that you only pull out when you have an important point that you want to make, and finishes it off by just droning on and on over punk rock guitar fuzz, because since its such an important point she is making, it’s important that she gets you to agree, and to show that you agree by singing along. And after five of the most addictive minutes in pop music history, how can you not?

No. 10 MGMT - Kids

2010-04-10T02:36:00.001-07:00

OMG OMG OMG!!! We’ve made it to the Top Ten!!!! We’ve made the world of the truly, utterly and undeniably amazing! And we start with a band whose intention (as far as I can figure out) is not to be truly and utterly amazing, but to annoy people, and to be cheeky little buggers. As a general rule, you don’t write keyboard riffs this ring-tone worthy, without hoping that it would get inside the collective heads of a generation and annoy them to bits.

They started out, as a joke, one of the better reasons to start a band, meaning that when they announce that “the youth are starting to change” on “The Youth” for example, this isn’t some sort of “Ebony and Ivory” styled anthem to togetherness, it’s an “Ebony and Ivory” style anthem for togetherness done with irony piled up on top of more irony, and given MGMT’s tendencies for intentional playing with our minds for no particular reason, its entirely possible that they meant the kids are turning into annoying emo brats. Which is nothing if not an accurate portrayal of the world today.

Once you understand this, then the MGMT waters become murkier and kind of disturbing. Sure you think, that’s a catchy riff, and I like the way they sing as though they reciting deep poetry at a recital, so that you can imagine them in the recording booth striking pretentious poses whilst they sing this. But just listen to those kids in the breakdown. It sounds just like kids at a party, at a playground, until suddenly “Mummy… Daddy… AAARRRGGHHH!!!!” Is it possible that MGMT are molesting our children through the power of tacky Casio keyboards? The sick weirdos.

No. 11 The Grates - 19-20-20

2010-04-02T07:31:00.001-07:00

Why, why oh why are there not more lead singers doing somersaults in pop? Why are there more bands with as much energy as the Grates? After the Grates turned up I just couldn’t watch a band with out thinking “yeah they are cool, but couldn’t they at least do some star jumps?” (and this is during Rage Against The Machine when I’m thinking “yeah you guys are rockin’ and all, but can’t you skip around the stage a bit?”) After The Grates every one else just seems booorrrriiinnng.

Firstly you have Patience. She is proof of what happens when your mother feeds you red cordial instead of breast milk (and is the reason why I’m having a Cottees free Easter). She’s also the Adminstrator of the I’ve Got A Birthmark Covering Half My Body And I’m Hot Facebook Group (may not by true), and is responsible for all the jumping around craziness.

Then you have Alana… ah Alana… probably the cutest little drummer that ever lived, concentrating so hard so that she doesn’t stuff it up, then beaming with pride when she manages to do something complicated, like a drum roll. She is credited on the album as “drums & “heys” & “not me’s!” And one day she will be my wife *

Then there’s John. He’s seems pretty cool. And he drew their album cover, so we know, if nothing else that the man knows how to draw a giraffe (I’d also like to point out that in the album artwork this song – the only artwork of the noughties in which I unfolded and went wow! - is represented by a cupcake). It’s good to know these things about your favorite bands. It makes you want to be friends with them. And that, also, is what you want in your favorite band.

* may not actually one day be my wife.

No. 12 Peter, Bjorn & John - Young Folks

2010-04-02T07:24:00.001-07:00

Probably the sweetest duet since “Especially For You” (and is possibly even more so), “Young Folks” retains that same sense that this girl and this boy are probably virgins, and the same cute coupleness that leads to other people in the vicinity feeling like throwing up. Both of which are challenges in these trashy times when people generally appear entirely unflappable. There are entire romance films created by Hollywood professionals who have degrees in tugging the heart-strings, that don’t hug the-heart strings any where near this much.

This is because the song isn’t about wanting to shag each other. It isn’t about their undying love (an emotion usually far out of reach of any song that attempts to portray it). All it is about is talking. That is simple. That is an emotion well within the abilities of the pop song writers of the world. Which is why they are able to build it up into something special, encouraging us to start talking, as some sort of hobby, that will bring everybody together. It’s nice.

In this way the video is perfect. He teaches her to whistle. She whistles back. “Let’s go back to my place.” Apparently in Sweden teaching girls to whistle is how you meet girls (and given the innocence of all this, you can assume that I’m not talking about the plot to a porn film. In fact after PB&J it’s hard to believe that they could possibly come from a country made famous for porn although not so much a country made famous by Ikea).

There is something so incredibly innocent about this. So endearing. The same can be said about the entire PB&J world, in which Sweden is re-imagined as a land where everyone still wears skivvies and drinks eggnog and wears party hats and visits their grandma on the weekends. Just like in the olden days.

No. 13 Beyonce - Crazy In Love

2010-04-02T02:23:00.001-07:00

Beyonce - Crazy In Love (Official Music Video) - Click here for more home videos

Beyonce may not have been the decade’s most interesting pop star.

She was too nice for one thing, and her career seemed to suit just a little too well her old bands name: Destiny’s Child. Cos with her voice, legs, smile, the girl got it all. Beyonce was always too perfect to ever fail at anything, because it was all predestined, and destiny is always unfair. And she was too hard working, too talented, too - for someone married to a guy who seems to think he’s a mobster – uncontroversial, with the most controversial thing she ever did being some top quality hip thrusting. Just watch her during the first verse of this! OMG!! As my ex pointed out while I was concentrating on my bowling whilst Beyonce was on the video jukebox: “If you’re not distracted by Beyonce then you must be gay.”

But even though she may not have been the decade’s most interesting pop star, she was certainly the most perfect.

And if you are the world’s most perfect mega-star-to-be in need of a giant mega-smash-hit-single, this is how you do it! From the giant horns to the addictive “oh oh”s to the dramatic over singing, “Crazy In Love” is the perfect global-smash-hit-single, so when Jay-Z started his new career of appearing on other peoples record just to hype them up and boasted that it was “history in the making” it’s entirely possible that he was actually understating the case.

No. 14 CSS - Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above

2010-04-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

Note: I include this song with some trepidation since Adam Ford was once informed at Ding Dong that if I danced to this song he would rape me. I did. He didn’t. Still I’d rather not take the risk again.

You can dance to it (obviously I couldn’t resist) it is cute (in the way that girls dancing in front of the mirror singing into a hairbrush is always cute God-bless’em) and is screams out hipster cool in so many ways (of which being such pop culture junkies that they would write a song about Paris Hilton, which people should do so much more often, and how is it that we’ve gone through 186 songs of the Noughties without mentioning “The Bitch”. Will “Stars Are Blind” be my Number One?) that I feel nervous just listening to it that I might not be accepted into their gang because they wont like my shoes, or because I’m not wearing fluro leggings or have a porn moustache. Or have any more than a vague idea of whole Death From Above actually are. Apparently they are some sort of elephant-human hybrid.

Yeah, I’d shag to that.
And being the coolest thing from Brazil since Carmen Miranda, means that CSS give us the kind of “I’m not sure if that quite means what they think it means” awesomely and accidently bad lyrics that ESL pop stars are prone to (and one reason why I’ve been waiting with baited breathe for the world’s first Chinglish pop star)
“Kiss me I'm drunk, don't worry it's true”
Okay, maybe she’s just a slut.

“I know how you're doing by looking at your pants”
Is that not the best pervy line of all time?

No. 15 The Go! Team - Ladyflash

2010-04-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly my favorite little group. The best little group to listen to in the morning to get you out of bed, to get you out of the door, and into the office pumped to face the day.

That’s pretty rad. The way they manage to create the ultimate theme song to their little lives. Some Go! Team songs even have bits that seem to have been designed purely so that you can freeze in mid-motion 70s police show intro style whilst your are swaggering down the street, something that I’m sure we’d all do more often if only we had the opportunity/excuse to do so. In “Ladyflash” those moments happen at 0.22, 0.26, 0.49 and 0.54, and that’s just in the first minute!

But the most exciting thing is the way they seem to have decided on their sound, listing all of their favorite things in the world, them mashing them together to great the ultimate soundtrack to their lives. Such favorite things for the Go! Team team seem to include 60s girl groups with soulful voices, the trumpets from the Rocky theme music, any early 80s breakdancing record but especially those that you could also skip rope to, fuzzy pop guitars and the Sesame Street philosophy of counting. The Go! Team invited them all around to their house and together they had a little party!

This is how bands should decide upon their sound. Think of what your favorite things are (the more random the better) throw them up into the air and have a party with them.
Personally I would have chosen cute little synth-pop instruments ala “PopCorn”, 80s television theme songs, squiggly acid house bass lines and girlie punk pop vocals. Imagine that! It would be brilliant!

What totally random elements would you like to mash together to create your ultimate band?

No. 16 Gorillaz - Dare

2010-04-01T05:44:00.000-07:00

At which stage the cartoon band had enough pull that it could get more or less has-been rock’n’roll legend Shaun Ryder out of bed (probably quite difficult) drunk (not hard at all) and get him to appear on a disco-pop track with Noodles – which if you are not up with your Gorillaz band members was a secret Japanese ninja spy who was FedEx’d in a crate to the Gorillaz headquarters in response to an ad in NME – which just so happens to be the easiest song to groove to pop song since (insert 80s classic of your choice here, mine would be Stacy Q’s “Two Of Heart” but it doesn’t have to be yours). When Shauney (I like to call him Shauney) starts to “sing” along, it turns into a disco song that even drunken footy fans or the old dirty drunk at the corner pub can sing along to, which is a wonderful thing.

No. 17 The Shins - Kissing The Lipless

2010-03-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

The Shins are a surprise, with songs featuring melodic surprises.

Just look at them in their life vests. I don’t care how desperate you are for a hit – and after Garden State their level of desperation would have been something below “not a lot at all” – no band with any hope that anyone would think them cool would ever wear life-vests to a photo shoot.

Similarly there’s a certain magic to a band that starts their songs with a short little clap and a guy going “woo!” The centerpiece of the song though, and the bit that makes you go “oh this is nice, maybe a little bit quirky” to “THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING” is the big chunky-chiming “zzzeeeerrrlllll” chords that come in after the first verse. Watch the video, watch the keyboard/bassist smirk, clearly thinking “oh yeah, that’s pretty awesome dude. We got a hit right there.” Admittedly the dude does smirk at everything in the video and heck why wouldn’t you? The Shins, in utter “Revenge Of The Nerds” style, and in that single moment turned twee-ness into an arena rock spectacular, thereby making the nerdiest of dreams (being a rockstar whilst wearing a sweater knitted by your grandmothers) come true.

No. 18 Regina Spektor - On The Radio

2010-03-31T08:47:00.001-07:00

The secret to the meaning of life, the universe and everything can be found inside some songs, and it is entirely likely that this is one such song.

Please just check out the following verse:

“This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood”

Whether or not that is an entirely accurate depiction of what love is (and it’s probably not too far off the mark), whether it is good romantic advice (and it may in fact be), is beside the point. The point is that Regina has put an awful lot of thought into what may or may not be (and it probably isn’t) a crackpot theory of love. And you’ve got to respect that.

In fact there is probably not a line of this song that does not either belong at a cult religious meeting, Hallmark card or Guns’n’Roses fan club discussion board.

That and she’s got nice cleavage.

* How long do you think before “they” start to write songs about LastFM or Hype Machine?

No. 19 The Veronicas - 4Ever

2010-03-31T05:40:00.001-07:00

Butch ugly or hot as fuck? It’s a debate that can brighten up any dinner party, opinions largely depending on whether the idea of two twin sisters looking as though they want to tear clothes off of each other/make out/both is a welcome addition to the pop lexicon or just disturbing. But before they became total trash bags, there was this, a song so in love with love, so in love with partying, so in touch with the youth of today that it used SMS speak which was all the rage in the days before LOLCATS took over the world. A song so rocking that they have now made three videos for it, over the course of five years, and every time seem just as excited as the time before. And every time feature a whole lot of scenes where they put their faces together to squeeze into the camera shot, as though they are hanging out in their bedroom (mmm the Veronicas in their bedroom. Mmm they probably even share the same bedroom. How convenient.) taking a photo for their MySpace profile. And every time look a touch less innocent and a touch more trashy.

Here we have their new UK version, made last year, before the Poms took that long to get on board. Note, no longer big eyed and excited about the moment. Now they have to think about the moment, because they need to make out with the nearest boy (or, failing that, sister) before they throw up in toilet. That may or may not equate to growing up.

No. 20 Emiliana Torrini – Sunny Road

2010-03-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Some people, some things, are just so beautiful that you have to forgive them anything, which isn’t entirely unfair to those who are not so beautiful but thems is the breaks. “Sunny Road” is such a thing, a song, a letter, a very personal letter complete with personal little in-jokes that we probably aren’t supposed to understand (riding around deserts on her horse?), but by the end of it we can be pretty sure of exactly the kind of dame we are dealing with here, and other than obvious heart breakage of the guy she’s writing to and which she thinks she can just waltz back into his life, it’s all good. Such the seductress she is. Such is the power of her accent (which may be Icelandic but quite frankly could be from any where from any tin village in any remote corner in Olde Europe) and her lisp, all of which is romantic trigger on top of romantic trigger on top of romantic trigger, because by the end of this song you are convinced, that she’s not just sweet and seductive, she’s a wandering adventurous, with, one assumes, a warm heart of gold. At least she tries. She may have broken your heart when she left, but at least she’s kind to children. She is pretty much the perfect woman, and even though she is clearly just “settling” for the recipient of this letter, I’m sure you’ll agree, he’d be a fool to say no.

She probably can't cook though

No. 21 Daft Punk - One More Time

2010-03-30T08:36:00.001-07:00

Are they putting special effects on his voice here, or is his voice just cracking under the joy of it all? Of course it’s the former, but it ought to be the latter, as this is the most delightful little party track. Not just, as the lyrics might make you suspect, a remake of a tacky seventies disco tune all French-housed up, although you also may suspect that from the first two minutes or so, but then, it changes “mmmMMMMmmm. You know I’m just feeling… a celebration… tonight” and all of a sudden it turns into some kind of “I Have A Dream”/ “Yes We Can” speech, uniting the manga characters of an entire planet to a new purpose, a new purpose to party. And he sounds pretty excited about it, more excited than most humans ever do, breathing in more anticipation than most humans ever do. And for two whole minutes the robot man preaches over virtual silence, bringing the world together and imagine what a wonderful and funky world it would be.

No. 22 Outkast - Hey Ya!

2010-03-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

Every couple of years this happens, and people get all excited about it. A genre-mish-mashing moment, that gets everyone going “OMG barriers are being broken down!!! The world will never be the same again”, strangely ignoring the fact that genre-mish-mashing has been going on for as long as pop music has, and that this has all happened before, and yes, the world does go back to normal.

Still. Having sad that. This song was weird.

I heard one story that Andre was trying to write a Smiths song! Clearly he failed, since “Hey Ya!” is far too cheerful, but that really would be breaking down barriers. Instead it’s like “Move Your Feet” in reverse. The genius of “Move Your Feet” you might remember is that it was by a tubby middle-aged Danish man trying to make some 80s breakdance music, something which he quite frankly was completely unqualified for (unless he happened to have been an exchange student to New York in 1982 and even then probably not), but he did it anyway. “Hey Ya!” is a Southern fried hip-hop dude attempting to recreate Beatlemania through hanging out with a bunch of snobby old white dudes in a second hand record store discussing which Velvet Underground album is the best (the suffering that people will do for their art, hey). Having found this new hobby Andre not only throws himself right into it, but throws everything else onto it as well to create a great collage of blah!

The only thing maybe slightly disappointing about the song is that it doesn’t really get going til after the deep and meaningful pondering-about-the-meaning-of-love verses and get’s into the utterly ridiculous and nonsensical one-catch-phrase-after-another-ness of “I don’t wanna meet your Momma/ I just wanna make you come-a”, the mysterious question of “What’s cooler than being cool?” and (of course) “shake it like a Polaroid picture.”

Yeah, like I said. This song was weird.

No. 23 The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

2010-03-28T05:40:00.000-07:00

“Boing b-b-b-boing boing”. As soon “Seven Nation Army” sneaks in with that riff it is instantly obvious that this is a “rock classic.”

A couple of things need to be mentioned about that riff before we go on.

(a) It is rumored to have been written at the Corner Hotel, so for all my M-Town readers, that’s a little something to get excited about, when next you go to a gig there.

(b) It was a very controversial riff at time, because “Shock! Horror! it’s a bass guitar. The White Stripes aren’t supposed to use bass guitars!!!” Yes i know it was a 1950s Kay Hollowbody through a Digitech Whammy pedal set down an octave but who wants to get into boring technical details, and the fact that Jack White needed to explain this shows just how big a controversy this was at the time. It’s good to see that rock fans have their finger on the most important issues facing the world.

(c) It is a riff so good that it was an entirely justifiable choice for it to run all the way through the song, if only because it makes it far easier to play on Guitar Hero. And if that wasn’t enough minimalism for you, Meg’s drumming is probably the easiest thing she’s had to do in her entire career.

So, it has a classic dumb rock riff made for classic dumb rock radio. And like all great classic rock songs, it features lyrics that make little/no sense, but are full of references to things that seem to make people excited enough about to sing along in a rowdy manner. Things like “Queens Of England” and “hounds of hell”, whilst Jack announces that he’s “going to Wichita” so adamantly, that I hope the Wichita Tourism Board has sent him a thank you letter (the White Stripes, luddites that they are, probably do not use e-mail).

In short there are more things here that shout out “rock classic” than you can smash a rare and expensive guitar into.

P.S. Was I the only one to be disappointed that Jack White and Jack Black didn’t turn up to Michael Jackson’s funeral to do a rendition of “Black & White.” Biggest wasted opportunity for awesomeness ever!

No. 24 Junior Senior - Move Your Feet

2010-03-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

PAAARRRRTTTYYYY!!!!! Insanely and unashamedly fun, if this song doesn’t get your party pumping (some people do find this song slightly annoying, can you possibly believe that?!!!!?) then you are clearly at the wrong sort of party and need to leave as soon as possible, because you are around people who can’t get exciting about a song where “oh yeah!” may be the primary lyric, a song which is full of stuttering (because that’s always fun! See both “Stutter Rap” or “The Scatman” for conclusive proof), a song that’s perfect for breakdancing that also features a bell going “ting!”. The kind of thing naïve energy that can only come from a band playing tribute to a time (the 80s) and place (New York) and a style of music that they (coming from Denmark in the 00s) could not possibly no anything about. Add the fact that “Senior” is a plump guy with a dodgy moustache who looks like he should be selling to Lego blocks to little kids, and it’s fair to say that this is the perfect soundtrack to the whitest block party there ever was.

No. 25 The New Pornographers - All For Swinging You Around

2010-03-27T05:46:00.001-07:00

There’s this kind of music called “power pop.” As genre names go it’s both quite good (it gets you excited for one thing. How can something with the word “power” in its title possibly be boring?) and bad (it does somewhat raise your expectations doesn’t it? It also probably attracts a lot of Miley Cyrus fans who may not find what they are looking for, simply because “pop” no longer really means a bunch of guys with guitars going “woo! woo!” anymore).

To clarify the situation therefore, this is “power pop.” Not only is it “power pop” but it is “pop” of the most powerful kind. Neko Case is, for one thing, amazing. She doesn’t just sing pop songs, but stride over them as though they are her own personal property. The melody seems to take every note in existence, and makes sure that they get their own turn, racing through the song like a train, leaving you breatheless and stunned, and just going wow!

No. 26 Phoenix - Too Young

2010-03-27T05:14:00.001-07:00

Pop music is for young people. It’s an irrational theory but a popular one, and there are many people who the minute they turn 18/20/25 decide that they are “too old” for “this shit”. “This shit” being defined as going dancing/ going to music festivals/ buying music. For these people, “this shit” is the kind of thing that you do once, get it out of your system and then disappear into the suburbs to settle down for the rest of your life. A strange attitude to have it must be said.

For other people of course, pop music becomes more of a permanent lifestyle, (pop = my whole life) which is entirely valid, and you shouldn’t stare at such people in a judgmental fashion. It is, amongst other things, rude.

I bring this up because…

(a) because of this pop = youth equation, many of the best pop songs are about being young, and every generation needs such a song, and unless you want to drag “Forever Young” out again, this is an awesome choice because

(i) being young is a romantic experience, and
(ii) who knows more about romance that the Frogs? And so,
(iii) the sense of being young and having youthful adventure involving virginity loss is all over the “feel” of this song, even though it actually appears to be about…

(b) “Too Young” is about the tension between a girl who believes in the pop=youth equation and a guy who believes in the pop=my whole life. It is the sound of someone who is not prepared to give up the pop lifestyle quite yet, and given that pop, when it is really really good sounds like this, can you blame him?

No. 27 ... And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead - Another Morning Stoner

2010-03-27T03:19:00.001-07:00

In addition to having probably the greatest band name on the planet (whilst also being probably the only band influenced by 90s grunge in the noughties that didn’t totally blow) and whilst I may be biased their because I do have a slight leaning towards both long song titles and am something of a sucker for long band names, “Another Morning Stoner” sounds exactly like being stoned in the morning, like being slightly off balance, slightly falling over in slow motion whenever the bottom drops away and the slow motion guitar riff comes in, (and it’s an amazing thing to find a song that has not only one, but at least three kick arse guitar riffs, proving that these guys had far more motivation that you would expect by a bunch of stoner rockers) and the next awesome guitar riff rises up again like the sun coming over the horizon, but in an uncomfortable way, because it’s in your eyes now and you’re like “aaaw I just want to go to sleep.” But the sun isn’t the only thing keeping you up. How can you sleep when that drummer is hitting you over the head with such passion? It is indeed the soundtrack to wondering around blurry eyed with a terrible hangover.

No. 28 La Roux - Bulletproof

2010-03-27T03:03:00.000-07:00

LA ROUX 'BULLETPROOF' from soyo on Vimeo.

That Elly Jackson chick. She really doesn’t like stuff does she? You can tell by how her eyes pierce into yours and you find yourself with the uncomfortable realization that you suck.

In case you have missed out on the various rants of Elly Jackson, here is a quick list of things that she is on the record for not liking… (apparently, these days, this is a big deal to be on record for not liking things…)

* Take That

* Ikea

* Hip Hop and R&B in general

* Girls who don’t wear much, particularly if they are in an R&B or hip-hop video (possibly also anyone who doesn’t wear clothes that look as though they have been thrown up over).

* She may or may not like Kylie (she definitely doesn’t like The Saturdays but that’s fair enough)

* Smiling

* Basically pretty much everything that has happened since 31st December 1989

* Also basically pretty much any major pop stars of today, because it’s all hip-hop/R&B/manufactured pop pap. In fact, Elly comes across as the kind of person who you usually find grumbling about how music today is made by talentless wankers, not like in the olden daysm before starting off on some conspiracy theories about how its all rigged anyway, and how she bought hundreds of copies of “Killing In The Name Of” at Christmas just so she could see the expression on Simon Cowell’s face, with the exception that she’s only 21, and that her blip-bloppy disco house sounds like it is made by talentless wankers.

Obviously being the 28th best song of the decade, this is supposed to be a positive review but its not really turning out that way is it? So I’ll just point out that hate is a very positive emotion in pop, and that since Stock-Aitken-Waterman syled disco-bubblegum pap was usually all perky, and this most certainly isn’t, that “Bulletproof” is a welcome addition to the world of pop demonstrating that having a spack-attack over the top of an hi-NRG track is a viable form of pop expressionism.

** She would also prefer that lesbians didn’t throw their bras at her on stage, but she’s not especially fussed.

*** She’s also come out against songs that sound like ring-tones, highly ironic given that “Bulletproof” sounds like a multitude of mobile phones rioting against each other.

No. 29 Basement Jaxx - Get Me Off

2010-03-27T01:36:00.001-07:00

Whilst most dance-producers would be happy to slam a few beats and a tacky vocal sample together, and figure that the pill-poppers on the dance floor will be happy enough with that, Basement Jaxx had far greater ambitions that that. The complete reinvention of house music and the recognition that it was a credible art movement was their goal. Albums like “Rooty” were the house versions of “Sgt Peppers”, aiming to be far more than what their station in life – as mere house producers – entitled them to be.

Take a song like “Good Luck” for example, an R&B/disco diva tune by a wronged woman. Such songs naturally demand hysterics. They demand that the diva be demanding. They demand that the music likewise provides a big punch, and preferably verges on being mentally unstable. They don’t however demand hysterics quite of this magnitude!

Likewise, when making a sweaty sexy song, designed for bumping and grinding on the dancefloor it’s not enough to make something that switches the sexy and sleazy and dirty dial up to “Prince.” They are huge Prince fans – we can probably assume at this point that “Get Me Off” is probably a reference to “Gett Off” – and they know that if they only matched the purple one that would be cheating themselves. So they go beyond, to a region that far exceeds Princes own ironic sexiness, that if you find yourself bumping and grinding onto a girl on the dance floor, and realizing that its probably a little inappropriate, you would possibly have an excuse.

No. 30 Feist - 1,2,3,4

2010-03-27T00:32:00.001-07:00

The last few years have seen a revival in the work of Jim Henson, probably the most universal of all childhood memories. There was the Muppet version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, there was the very unofficial Miss Piggy miming along to Peaches “Fuck The Pain Away”.

They had a lot of these in the olden days when I was a kid. I remember a lovely rendition of “Let It Be” re-titled “Letter B,” which was educational for obvious reasons. So it was refreshing to find that they still do these kind of things only with actual celebrities, with Feist appearing for her own rendition of “1,2,3,4” one of the greatest moments of children’s television of the noughties (probably, although Charlie & Lola have their moments). “1,2,3,4” was the perfect song for this, and not only because clearly it provides ample opportunity for learning to count, but also because it is reminiscent of the old children’s entertainers of years gone by, and perfect for a generation of adults that long for a return to the innocence of childhood, that now rushes out to go to Peter Combe concerts, or in my case rushed out to see Avenue Q because (since Sesame Street taught me how to be a child, then maybe Avenue Q would teach me how to be an adult, something that I have had some difficulty making the adjustment to) and nothing screams out “the innocence of childhood” quite like a banjo.

If only there was a Patsy Biscoe revival. She would put this shit of the hook!

No. 31 Queens Of The Stoneage - Feel Good Hit Of The Summer

2010-03-26T23:52:00.001-07:00

Probably no band since Bon Scott-era AC/DC has understood the essence of rock’n’roll most fully. That it’s not just about the sex (although having a naked bass player helps, and at least one girl I know likes nothing more than to talk about how QOTSA’s rhythm section gives her an “orgasmic throb”), it’s not all about the drugs (although this song obviously is) it’s about the freedom, and the logical end result of freedom… becoming a freak.

Hence their locale of choice. The Wild West. The desert. Where all good American’s go to discover themselves. The Navajo did it with their peyote. It’s why the annoying radio announcers on “Songs For The Def” sounded like the kind of redneck radio stations that you come across on a drugged-out road trip? QOTSA realize that the desert is where the freaks are… when the swinging doors of a Western salon open, you never quite know what sort of character is going to walk in, but you can be sure that they’ll probably be in need of a shower, and be a lot of fun. No wonder girls consider Josh Homme to be such a rock sex god.

No. 32 Missy Elliot - Work It

2010-03-26T08:01:00.001-07:00

Her first hit after going on the patented Missy Elliot exercise program, Missy was clearly full of energy. Not only had she won the hip-hop version of The Biggest Loser, but followed it up with her next amazing feat, the dropping a of jam that’s entertaining from go to ugh duh!, full of so many moments of awesomeness, most of which had never really been tried before – I’m talking here about the suggestive elephant noises one minute, and the rapping backwards like a demon possessed the next – and some, that hopefully never will again - such as rapping about shaving her “chocha.” And that’s only the highlights, but it’s Friday night and I have to party! No doubt Missy would approve.

No. 33 Royskopp - Eple

2010-03-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

Way back in 1972, “Popcorn” by Hot Butter was a massive smash hit, Number One for eight wonderful weeks! You would assume that that kind of success would spawn a whole world of catchy plinky plonky synth-instrumentals, particularly given that history has shown that although a rare breed of tune, when provided with the opportunity to buy a catchy instrumental, or almost instrumental, synth-dance record, the record buyers and dance floor fillers of the world go absolutely ape-shit! Remember Guru Josh?

The reason for this lack of catchy plinky plonky synth-instrumentals, is because they tend to only work if the plinky-plonky riff is off an absolute and undeniably genius standard.

Royskopp were the perfect band to do so, encapsulating everything that the Scandinavians are good at when it comes to pop music. From A-ha (“Take On Me”) and Europe (“The Final Countdown”) they got to knack for genius keyboard riffs, and from Sigur Ros they got a sprinkling of Viking descended atmosphere, minus the whale singing. The result is something addictive and pretty at the same time. And it teases. If you are hearing this for the first time, for the first minute or so you’ll be going “yeah it’s nice but whatever. It just goes da-dada-da da-da-dada over and over again” until right at 1:18 when it suddenly loses pressure and suddenly it is obvious, yes this is a keyboard riff worthy of A-ha comparisons. This is a keyboard riff that makes you want to rush out to by a synthesizer just so you can show off by playing this tune to your friends! And lo they will be mighty impressed.

No. 34 The Magic Numbers - Love Me Like You

2010-03-23T04:34:00.001-07:00

Now after all of the self-hatred of the No. 35 song (“Stan”) is a song by the happiest and (at least with the guys) hairiest band of decade. A band so adorable and lovable that (a) the crowd at the Big Day Out clapped in time to the clapping part of every song, and without being asked to! (something that Jack White could not achieve even when petulantly demanding people to do so, although admittedly this was far later in the day and everyone was tired) and (b) I hope that you can get teddy bear versions of them.

“Love Me Like You” is a thing of joy, girls singing “aah ah-ah-ah” and “do do-do-do”, so many opportunities for clapping along and spinning around and smiling along that by the time they just to the final big chorus, the big drum roll and boom! “SHE DON’T LOVE ME LIKE YOU!!!” the world has suddenly become a far nicer place. And that’s just the icing. Underneath is a pop song of light chocolately goodness.

And if this isn’t all chirpy enough for you, here’s the video for “Forever Lost”, the cutest video ever made about the hassles of band-postering and distractive nature of television.

No. 35 Eminem - Stan

2010-03-23T04:01:00.000-07:00

“Without Me” probably should have been on this list. It is after all absolute pop gold. But I’ve never been able to forgive Marshall for the following rhyme

“But sometimes the shit just seems
everybody only wants to discuss me
So this must mean I'm dis-gus-ting
But it's just me, I'm just obscene”

You see what’s wrong with these lines? It should have been “but it’s just me I’m discussing”, because that’s all the little wigger ever did, and that would have been funny. And show that he had layers other than just hating everything. It just would have been so much better.

Also with all the Limp Bizkit and Moby references “Without Me” sounded dated by the end of the week.

“Stan” though was different. And how different! Instead of just talking about himself all the time, it’s a song about mentally unstable fans who just like talking about Eminem all the time. And given how fanatical Eminem fans were back in the day, it wouldn’t surprise me if it were based at least a little bit on fact. “Stan” is an epic tale, and the most epically screwed up-character ever to feature in the Number One single. Having him a little demented so he can’t write proper. Brilliant. Having him suggest that he and Marshall “be together” probably not such a good strategy all things concerned.

And then there is the screaming maniac scene, giving Phil Collins almost as much publicity as the Cadbury Gorilla, before possibly the most hate filled lines ever written “I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it. And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it. I hope your conscious eats at you and you can't breathe without me” which I’m sure you’ll agree is some messed up shit. Cue screeching types, screeching bitch and a big splash of water. And a good old fashion Dido sing a long.

Clearly there is something about Dido and dying, and she would end up being used on Workplace Safety ads, because whenever you hear Dido you just know that it’s not going to work out well.

No. 36 The Shins - New Slang

2010-03-23T03:22:00.001-07:00

There comes a time when everyone needs to escape the super-polished world of pop, designed for easy consumption in this time-poor and high-pressure world that we live in, and need to get out on the road and discover somewhere new, somewhere unspoiled, somewhere that reminds us of the childhood holidays that we used to have, and just sit under a tree and daydream. Or go fishing, an activity so boring and relaxing, that you know it must be good for your soul. This special kind of adventure needs a special kind of band, with a sound that seems to come from some mystical village where everyone is kind to each other and every meal is picnic. The kind of special band that will make you pick up your fishing rod and get into your car and drive and drive until you find them, finding yourself singing along “da da da” because it is absolutely impossible to make out most of the words in a Shins song, and this is because the come from a special land full of special melodies and we will never fully understand their ways.

No. 37 Jay-Z - 99 Problems

2010-03-23T02:38:00.000-07:00

Pretty much every week since its release in 2003, this song has become 1% more popular. That’s a 52% increase in popularity a year (more if we are calculating it with compound interest), meaning that it is mathematically probable that by 2034 there shall be grannies in rest homes when upon being asked how they are feeling today, shall be saying “I’ve got 99 Problems but a bitch aint one… lovey.” Hopefully they wont follow it up by saying “hit me” because they are fragile things.

Part of this is because of the beat. Has any beat ever been so perfectly designed for doing hip-hop posing although to. Everyone loves making hip-hop poses. Particularly people with no hip-hop bone in their body. Making such a beat was always going to be a winner.

Part of this is because of the cop. What a great and stupid accent he has. Totally redneck. Everybody loves redneck cops in rap songs, and if this guy isn’t better than the dumb redneck on N.W.A’.s “Fuck The Police” he’s the closest one.

But mostly though it’s because it just makes a damn good catch phrase.

No. 38 Metric - Monster Hospital

2010-03-23T02:14:00.000-07:00

9-11 changed the world, although not so much the music world. Unless you consider that that week, Kylie’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” topped the charts, introduced the Yanks to electro and therefore paved the way for Lady GaGa (or simply consider Jay-Z’s “The Blueprint” to be an album classic enough to deserve not one but two sequels)

What it, and its aftermath, did not lead to however was a sudden rush of anti-war protest songs. This is because anti-war protest songs tend to suck. Some New Yorkers – like Kimya Dawson for example – did some New York solidarity stuff. And apparently TV On The Radio’s “Wolf Like Me” is one of those songs as well.

And Le Tigre decided to take the concept of an anti-war protest song to it’s most logical conclusion…

And then there is “Monster Hospital” which is probably actually about mental instability than about actual war, but which sounds – on the dancefloor anyone – like a celebration of the frustration that one experiences when geo-politics is just not going your way. And it sounds scary, like monsters, like hospitals, like war and mental instability. And it sounds kind of sexy too.

No. 39 Kelis - Milkshake

2010-03-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

For a fun filled party song that sounds as though it should not logically have anything approaching a deep meaning, “Milkshake” sure got the world in a lather over what exactly the song meant. Not only was the blogosphere (such as it was in those day) ablaze, but there were long queues at the water-cooler as everyone stood in line eagerly in order to discuss the controversy. The debate has continued through to this day.

Caught in the middle of this confusion, Kelis gave a disappointingly dull response

“that thing that makes a woman stand out from everyone else. It's a thing that makes you sensual and warm and maternal.” And which is therefore quoted by anyone trying to avoid having a discussion they’d probably not get into…

A quick survey of blogs (“kelis” “milkshake” “meaning” comes up with 265,000 results!) which have made the brave decision to attempt to uncover the truth reveals, and a solution that covers both Kelis’ expertise and her willingness and ability to teach her skills include:

45% boobie shakage
25% blow jobs
15% female ejaculation
5% the trading of skills in today’s capitalist labor market
5% the pros and cons of establishing a franchise model for your business
5% actual milkshakes

Or alternatively it was just a cynical marketing exercise, creating a tune that was assured to get girls on the dancefloor, competing with each other on how hot they were, whilst the boys stood around the sides snarling appreciably. Everyone wins! Cheers to cynical marketing exercises!!

No. 40 Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

2010-03-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

Probably Vampire Weekend’s biggest achievement was to be proclaimed the whitest band in the world, by “Stuff White People Like” author Christian Lander, have ticked, as best as I can tell, the following “SWPL” boxes (note: this may not be an exhaustive list, and are also based on assumptions that may or may not be correct)
* Barack Obama – well they played at “Music For Democracy”
* Architecture (see “Mansard Roof”)
* Ugly Sweater Parties (check out the striped jumper in the “Mansard Roof” video)

* 80s Nights (see their Peter Gabriel infatuation)
* Self Aware Hip Hop References (see name-dropping Lil Jon in “Oxford Comma”)
* Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music (see the harpsichord and chamber music in M79)
* And, of course, Grammar.
* For their next album they shall cover the topics of “Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy” and “Threatening To Move To Canada”. Probably.

No. 41 The Strokes - Hard To Explain

2010-03-20T00:32:00.001-07:00

So ubiquitous, effortlessly featuring one awesome riff after another, that it became half of one of the first big mash-ups, as was the fashion at the time, “A Stroke Of Genie-ness” which totally was, (Christina and the Strokes together at last!). And indeed the Strokes were all about fashion, their every move calculated to make people go “wow those guys sure are a bunch of coolsies”.

Things that the Strokes made fashionable included (a) sweaty rock (b) greasy tussled rock hair (c) skinny jeans (d) posing against the wall with your arms crossed at sweaty rock clubs pretending that you can resist the urge to dance, allowing yourself a little bit of bored air guitar to pretend “yeah the Strokes, they’re cool.” “Are you being sarcastic man?” “*sigh* I don’t even know anymore”.

No. 42 Outkast - Ms Jackson

2010-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hip-hop’s most perfect gentlemen, (because the bring their kids up well in the south, what with their southern hospitality and what not) provide a totally complex and kind of sensitive ode to love-that-just-didn’t quite-work-out. This at a time when most rappers were either proud womanizers, proud homophobes, or just wanted to party (which is certainly something to be proud of). It’s starts off respectably, being probably the only hip-hop song ever shouted out to “babies mamas mamas”. Or to contain almost Hallmark card worthy philosophical sentiments such as:

“You can plan a pretty picnic
but you can't predict the weather.”

That’s lovely. And then of course there’s…

“Forever? Forever Ever? FOREVER EVER?”

The best depiction of the realization that forever is a long time in pop ever.

Of course those are Andre’s contributions. Big Boi’s is a bit more on the traditional “bitches aint shit but hos and tricks” vibe, although as it Big Boi’s way it’s hard to tell exactly what he’s going on about. What does “you see your little nosy-ass homegirls/
done got your ass sent up the creek G” mean exactly?

So that’s the poetry. How about the music, which likewise is full of cleverness and attention to detail, and creating not just a hip-hop jam but a collage of sounds to match the tale of justifying-not-marrying-your-pregnant-girlfriend. Sampling “Here Come’s The Bride” on a broken down piano. Genius. Sampling dogs barking, for “you say it’s puppy love/we say it’s fully grown”. Well that’s almost even funny.

No wonder the record company decided it was worth spending so much money on those nodding and miming pets (ok, they got the easy parts just going “woo!” a lot but it was still impressive). No wonder The Vines decided to cover it.

No. 43 Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You

2010-03-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Although it has nothing to do with motor cars at all, there’s a reason why it is a dancefloor filler, probably because the organ intro gives you more than adequate time to get to the dancefloor before the sixties guitar riff begins. Thoughtful that. And you thought that Courtney Taylor-Taylor was a jerk.

Pretty much a step-by-step guide to picking up hipsters/coolsies/whatever the “it crowd” is called this week, made so much easier by being easy to dance to, particularly by white people with no rhythm, a handy way as any to show that you are a sensitive – nah bohemian – kind of guy who is not afraid to dance, and who is therefore worthy of your crushes approval. The song is full of the kind of associations that only kids in dead end jobs in Brunswick and Northcote (insert your own trendy but kind of poor inner suburb of choice here) can relate to, such a old cars that don’t work (but are still somehow impressive), vegan food (not, apparently, as I always believed, “Armenian food” which I’m slightly disappointed about because I figured that showed just how cool they were. Too cool for Chinese or Mexican, only the genuine bohemian would go for something as obscure as Armenian food), awkwardly living with your ex because he can’t afford to leave, or is a tragic romantic who thinks that he still has a chance, and oh yeah… woo! hoo! Hoo! But then everyone can relate to that.

No. 44 The Walkmen - The Rat

2010-03-16T07:59:00.001-07:00

Walkmen - The Rat
Uploaded by humasetu. - See the latest featured music videos.

If you have had your heart broken in the last decade and you haven’t locked yourself up in your bedroom and smashed shit up to this song then it probably wasn’t really love. As break-up songs go, there are few lines as angry as “you’ve got a nerve to be calling my number”, there are few you’ve ruined my life passive aggressive bridges as “when I used to go out/ I would know everyone I saw/ now I go out alone/ if I go out at all” – because the bitch wouldn’t let you have friends!! (probably) And there are few drummers who deliver drums so hard and so fast, that those those aren’t drum beats to dance to. Those are drum beats to punch to. It truly sounds as though he’s pounding the girls face. Clearly the guy has issues that he needs to address.
Rarely has hatred and the need to take revenge on ex-girlfriends been so precisely captured. The Walkmen were delivering revenge on ex-girlfriends through the power of rock'n'roll.

No. 45 LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House

2010-03-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

James Murphy is the world’s ultimate pop geek/fan boy/ rock historian. He doesn’t look like much. He is rather – in his own words now - “tubby.” He rarely smiles. Even during a party, the most ultimate of ultimate house parties, that he has been waiting years and years for (“7 Years and 15 Days” to be exact, assumedly a reference to Sinead O’Connors “7 Hours and 15 Days” in “Nothing Compares 2 U” which just goes to show how deep and how abstract James Murphy’s pop culture references go). And like the best rock geeks he just wants to share with you all the amazing things he’s found in the world. Which in this song include:

Daft Punk: Thus ensuring that Daft Punk would go down in history as one of the coolest bands ever, and not just “those guys who liked to dress up as robots.” He made Daft Punk officially cool.

Awesome Cowbell Solos : There’s an awesome cowbell solo. He made cowbells officially cool (and of course The Rapture were doing the same with “House Of The Jealous Lovers” – how much coolness can one percussive instrumental stand?!!?)

The Word “uh”: Which he uses at the end of pretty much every sentence here (sometimes it’s “duh” sometimes it’s more like an “eh” but every time it’s a studied expression of apathy). As a pop geek/fanboy/rock historian, he knows that he needs at least one quirky vocal mannerism in order to “make it” and this is his.

There’s probably even more pop cultural references that he’s trying to tell us about, trying to send to us in code, but I’m just not cool enough to understand them.

No. 46 The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

2010-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

In which the world’s premier obese butch lesbian holla-rer fights (da da) for her right (da da) to be an obese butch lesbian holla-rer, in a cross between “Say It Loud I’m Black And I’m Proud” and “I Am Woman” but with more ‘tude than any protest/civil rights song ever has before. And it’s amazing. The attention grabbing, drum smashing intro is one thing. The funkishly simple I-could-even-play-that bass line is another. But that’s all background noise really for the real event. And the real event is Beth, the orgasmatron of soul, screaming out more “wo-oh-ohs” than the world has ever seen, so that when she finally peaks at the end of the breakdown section, with the drums coming back in, well, I just hope that they put a towel down on the floor.

No. 47 Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

2010-03-16T06:28:00.001-07:00

It is highly unlikely that Damon Albarn is a musical genius. What he is though is an unbeatable pop theorist, and consequently, since pop is all about marketing, an advertising genius. Let’s look at his career thus far:

1994: Having had a little hit at the end of the Madchester era, with “There’s No Other Way” finds that no-one really cares about Blur anymore. “Hey, lets all go patriotic and anti-American (that always goes down well) and invent Brit-pop. Hey let’s have a good old fashioned feud for good measure. Who should we pick on? Those Oasis boys look like suckers.”

1997: Having not quite made it in the US and with Brit Pop dying and no-one really caring about Blur anymore. “Hey, let’s do a song that goes “woo hoo!” a lot’

2001: No-one really cares about Blur anymore, and the world is fully of “manufactured pop groups.” What’s a cheeky pop theorist to do? “Hey wouldn’t it be funny if we invented… wait for it… a cartoon band! And even better… if it was some sort of hip-hop band! That would really screw with peoples minds” (note: screwing with peoples minds is a good thing in classical pop theory)

Genius!

But that’s not all. Having Jamie Hewlett to do the visuals was almost obvious. They were both, after all, underground national treasures. All they had to do was get Irvine Welsh to write the liner notes and the trio would have been complete.

BUT… getting Del Tha Funkee Homosapian on the track?!!!? Truly, of all the has been hip-pop one hit wonders to drag up and out of the ghetto… personally I would have chosen the fat guy from PM Dawn. But Mr Dobalina himself comes back as a geeky little kid being turned into an all power genie, and he gives some mystic googbledegook. And how cool is that whispered “all in your head”? And how cool is a nodding beat, with a harmonica over the top. Who even does that?

Essentially it’s one of the decade best hip-hop tracks, and it’s NOT EVEN REAL!!!

Meanwhile Oasis spent the decade and a half (yes, it really was that long ago) trying to make “Definitely Maybe” over and over again. And failing.

No. 48 Gnarls Barkely - Crazy

2010-03-16T05:56:00.001-07:00

There were a lot of giant hit singles during the Noughties (I was originally going to say Number One’s, but it turns out that this just missed out at No.2. Damn) but few were quite this weird. Many giant hit singles discussed craziness but usually in a flippant way as though it was solely something to do with love like Britney’s “You Drive Me Crazy” –technically the last few months of 1999 but close enough. And as a general rule if you bumped into a band with Crazy in the title, it was best to run away as fast as you could. I’m sure you think I’m referring to Crazy Frog, and you are right, but you are forgetting the equally bad Crazy Town, with their “Butterfly sugar baby” song. Terrible stuff. This is because although they reference the word “crazy”, it’s all just tokenism man. Only Gnarls Barkley were brave (or silly enough to think that it might be a good idea) to make a giant hit single that was actually about mental disabilities (and helped sufferers feel not only “not alone”, that being crazy was not only an entirely valid life choice but that all the greats were “crazy”, and that in being “crazy” perhaps they too were chosen for greatness… although let’s face it, probably not).

Not a topic typically discussed within the pop milieu. It’s almost as though they think that genuinely crazy people don’t buy records, when it is well known, when it is practically a verified fact, that it is only crazy people who do. That is only crazy people who have experienced the mental anguish to really sing the blues, to go through record crate after record crate to find that perfect beat. Ha ha ha bless their souls.

No. 49 The Donnas - 40 Boys In 40 Nights

2010-03-16T05:09:00.000-07:00

The accuracy of the events depicted in this song shall forever remain unknown, due to the old adage of “what ever happened on tour stays on tour.” “40 Boys In 40 Nights” is a rock’n’roll boast that it almost deserves to be in Spinal Tap.

Welcome to the hilariously rocking world of The Donnas, where quite a lot happens on the road, most of it involving guys in skintight jeans (yes, apparently are girls who like skintight jeans. I guess if you are going to be sleeping around so much you are going to prefer guys with a high likelihood of being sterile), a world where people are either cool (seemingly judged by how much beer they can chug) or not (these would be the people who are unable to chug beer and who, if they are a girl with a hot guy, are ripe for hot-guy-stealage), a world full of brand name checking (here’s a fun party game. Listen to “The Donnas Spend The Night”, probably the trashiest album of the decade, and chug every time they name-check Heineken) a world in which the girls are the bands and the guys are the groupies, with the added bonus that they can be roped in as roadies as well.

Party-on dudettes!

No. 50 Justice - D.A.N.C.E.

2010-03-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

When Michael Jackson died in 2009, people thoughts were with many people. How would Janet cope? Or is son, Blanket? Who would take care of Bubbles? Some people breathed out a big sigh of relief that at least it wasn’t Prince.

My first thoughts went out to these dance-producer dudes from France. Only two years before they had over-dosed on Michael Jackson records and managed to create one of the greatest tributes to any artist ever, not only managing to reference pretty much all of his golden moments (“ABC” “PYT” “Black and White”), but help you to remember why they were amazing in the first place. But too much tribute would get in the way of the funk. Get in the way of opportunities to get down and shake your groove thang. Michael would not have approved. Instead the Justice boys give more than ample opportunities to shake what your mother gave you, through the use of their trademarked dark and thick bass lines, filled to the brim with the funk of forty thousand years.

No. 51 Lily Allen - Smile

2010-03-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Last time we were in touch with poor Lily she was doing one of the things she does most well. Complaining and complaining, albeit in a witty manner, about how tough her life is. Now we see her doing the other that she does well: being a vengeful and callous bitch. Obviously she does this quite often, to the extent that it frankly amazes me that she even gets laid at all, and doesn’t scared every guy off. Guys who do make it with Lily must there be either (a) in need of some counseling (b) more of a man than I, or (c) an elderly millionaire (apparently she’s got a thing for them).

Here Lily engages in what the German’s call a certain “schadenfreude.” That’s kind of evil. It’s made even more evil by the fact that she sings in a voice so quiet and sweet as if she’s singing “Who? Me? Would I ever do a thing like that?” (insert blank poker face here). Evil. Callous. Bitchy. Covered in sugar coated loveliness. Love it.

No. 52 Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

2010-03-11T08:37:00.000-08:00

Robots have had a bad rap in popular culture. More often than not, whether they are the Daleks in Dr Who or The Matrix, or Terminator, the Clones in Star Wars and whatever that thing was in Aliens, they are evil, or have the potential to suddenly go evil at a moments notice. Either way, they tend to be a bit unnerving. Electro music, ever since it was invented by German robot impersonators in the 70s, has followed the same unnerving path, making the kids of the world dance to tales of an Orwellian future, usually whilst looking blankly into the air as if they have already been hypnotized into a coma. Then came Ladytron, who don’t seem to smile unless they are sneering, and who put disco joy into their menace, and did it all with such perfection that it wouldn’t surprise me if they were robots coming to take over the world. And I for one welcome our new robot rulers.

No. 53 Fiery Furnaces - Tropical Ice-Land

2010-03-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

Fiery Furnaces are a brother/sister duo who apparently hate each other, which is always a promising start to a band. But they got together to form a band, probably because no-one else could understand the pain and embarrassment of having a last name like Friedberger. This obviously creates the basis for a dysfunctional family, and more excitingly some dysfunctional pop music. And the Fiery Furnaces make wonderfully dysfunctional pop, with nonsense lyrics (“goat's head in the deli case/oh sweet angel-angel-bearded face” !!!!! Yeah you think the song sounds happy but um wtf), over nonsense instruments (sounding something like a chainsaw slicing up a pin whistle), all stuck together with sticky tape, before they rush off into their cubby house to give each other wedgies.

No. 54 Black Kids - I'm Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

2010-03-10T07:17:00.000-08:00

They were a band that met at the Christian youth camp (a fact made obvious by lyrics referencing Archangel Gabriel as part of a b-boy breakdancing chant as part of far smaller but still quite brill hit “Look At Me (When I Rock Witcho)”, although given that this is following the lyrics “when Christ says stop we all gonna drop” may slightly ruin the party somewhat, but that’s made okay the moment they bring out the fairy bread). Not the typical origins for a rock band. And it shows. With no chance of being accepted by the cool kids, the Black Kids form their own gang, their awesomely happy crew. If that was not irresistible enough, they are ridiculously innocent too. When he sings “ever since I was a little girl” it does not come across as some lame attempt as gender bending, but just as an utterly adorable attempt to be cute. And nothing is more cute than “Mickey” styled cheerleader counting chants. Just listen to the joy of the girls shouting out “DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!”

“Not/Teach/Boyfriend/Dance/You” has all the fun of rock’n’roll fun, but none of the sin, but all the guilt anyway, and as any Jewish comedian will tell you, guilt – of trying to make moves on girls whose boyfriends bite moves – is full of top comedic value.

And for the last time, THEY DO NOT SOUND LIKE THE CURE!!! (okay the “do do do”s in "Not/Teach/Boyfriend/Dance/You" are ripped off from some Cure song I can’t put my finger on, and he does have the same balloon caught in his throat styled vocal stylings of Robert Smith, but it’s not enough for people to go on and on and on about it and believe me they dooo) Anyone who says this to my face shall be locked in a room, and forced to listen to “Disintegration” on repeat for a week. Far less likely to be as fun as dancing around the room to this.

No. 55 Sufjan Stevens - Chicago

2010-03-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

It turns out that Sufjan Stevens has ripped us off. He is never going to make albums about the rest of the United States 48 states. And he never was. It was all just a promotional ploy. Boo and hiss. I was genuinely looking forward to Delaware. But it’s hard to stay angry at Sufjan, he has such a whisperingly gentle and utterly passive voice, that would probably apologize before I even started.

“Chicago” is probably the least educational of the “Illinois” songs – given that he spends most of it driving to New York, and therefore really isn’t about Illinois anyway – but then again, after countless listens to the album, I can’t say I have learnt too much about the place other than that Superman is from there (although given that he is a fictional character and Metropolis is a fictional place, I really still don’t know how that works and besides Wikipedia says it was Kansas*) and that it seems to be filled with pedophile serial killer clowns with very, very normal names.

Other interesting things about Illinois that weren’t mentioned by Sufjan (the shame, the shame) include… they have a giant ketchup bottle! And that’s about it.

• The connection with Superman appears to be that there is a town called Metropolis in Illinois which ironically is rather tiny. But they do have a Superman statue! And a museum! The things desperate tourist associations will do.

No. 56 M.I.A. - Bucky Done Gun

2010-03-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

In this post-9/11 world that were living in, it is only appropriate (if somewhat opportunistic) that one of the most exciting pop stars in the world was one who decided to make terrorism sound like a great big party! When religious nutters are more of threat to other religious nutters than rock stars with spikey hair are, then clearly it’s time to study their techniques. It was all kind of cute, but clearly it was dangerous enough for the United State not to give her visa (that and having a Tamil father who was actually a terrorist, and who begged her not to name her album after him and according to Wikipedia is now “overseeing” such things as a “redesigned bullock cart”).

If terrorism isn’t enough of a sexy topic for M.I.A. to handle, she deals with globalization as well! “Bucky Done Gun” doesn’t just shout out to London like a small-time pirate radio DJ, not just New York like a small time break-dancer, not just Kingston like some small-time ganga smoker, but all of them and Brazil for good measure, like a globe-trotting guerilla (or his groupie, it’s never clear exactly which role Mathangi is playing). What is even better is that she’s not even shouting out to them. She’s telling them to shut the fuck up, because she “needs to make a sound.” It takes a special form of egomania to tell the world to shut up.

M.I.A. does not just do world-wide party jams, her world is also full of the sufferers who rarely if ever party. “Sunshowers” is a tale about a guy who works in a Nike sweat shop who happens also to be terrorist! There’s action happening everywhere in your M.I.A. song, and they hit you with the force of a world news bulletins filled with famines and car bombs.

No. 57 Ladyhawke - Paris Is Burning

2010-03-10T04:47:00.000-08:00

Also the winner for the pop star who looks the best when Photoshopped into a cartoon character. The winner for the pop star most likely to make the soundtrack to a remake of a John Hughes movie. The winner for the pop star most likely to turn up at some geeky convention for obscure video games and be the hottest girl there. The winner for the pop star most likely to look bored in promotional photo shoots because she’d much rather be playing obscure video games.

Whilst other pop stars might claim a love of the eighties by going “oh let’s put some plunky plonky synths in there and talk about David Bowie in interviews” Pip Brown focused on the how the 80s felt, and she does it like a purist. You can see that by the way she called herself Ladyhawke and not let’s say Labyrinth (Ladyhawke is named after an obscure mystical 80s teen movie you see). And she should know all about this because the last time New Zealand was the centre of the pop universe it was 1979-1981 when they gave us Split Enz, Mi-Sex (“Compu-pu-pu-pu-pu-puter Games”) and The Swingers (“Counting The Beat”), and clearly they never got over that, because if “Back Of The Van” isn’t the best song about being a teenage slut losing her virginity (or something) not written by the Divinyls… Ladyhawke is the music not of the stars of the 80s but of the disillusioned Gen X kids who locked themselves in their bedrooms to talk to their posters of Simon Le Bon.

But let’s go to “Paris Is Burning”, a song so impatient to get to its awesomeness that it doesn’t even bother with an intro, just a quick drum roll and then straight into a song of Antipodeans partying on the other side of the world (maybe), a song just begging for a French version, and of course there is one. Rad.

No. 58 Franz Ferdinand - Michael

2010-03-09T07:10:00.001-08:00

In their attempt to “make music for girls to dance to” Franz Ferdinand were taking no chances (you can see this by the way they recycled old tried and tested classic indie anthem themes, like they way “Take Me Out” is essentially just “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” but with several decades more worth of cynicism, a better groove and a bigger guitar riff) and for this song made music to make guys dance too, and loose themselves so much that they start thinking about loosing their arse virginity. Quite a challenge one would think, but they pull it off with aplomb, as they tend to do everything. You know its supposed to be sexy because they are playing harder than they usually do, with more urgency than they ever did, and they use the power of suggestion, with liberal uses of the word “sexy.” It’s kind of gay, in a very macho way. Well, as macho as you can be with matching costumes featuring, and this was important, TUCKED IN SHIRTS!!! People forget the tucked in shirts, but they were an important part of the FF look. Very military it was. Very private school. Almost as disciplined as the 4/4 beats they play. Almost neo-Nazi. Almost as if their sexuality were so repressed that they could not even admit to the rock’n’roll rebelliousness of leaving their shirt untucked. It is this playing with the edges of repression that made Franz Ferdinand great and “Michael” was their greatest moment.

No. 59 The Avalanches - Frontier Psychiatry

2010-03-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

From the graffitied (mostly with stencil art as was the fashion at the time) laneways of Melbourne, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world in which ideas and cultures from all over the world find a home, came one of the sunniest party records of the noughties. One in which ideas and cultures from all over the world found a home, the result of a rumoured 3,500 samples! Of which only 37 are found on “Frontier Psychiatrist” quite possibly the strangest hit record of the noughties, if not of all time. That anyone would ever bother to collect such a collection of vocal samples from whoknowswhere is one thing. That they somehow make sense, either being vaguely about insanity, or else being such a mind-fuck that they induce it – the bit that goes “tighten your buttocks”, “put juice on your chin”, “I promised my girlfriend”, “I’d play the violin” is not only a wonderfully WTF moment but is also a nice rhyme FTW – is another. That it somehow actually works as music…

So there it is. The strangest song of the decade. But the Avalanches didn’t just do odd, they – as suggested above – also did sunny. And “Since I Left You” may also be the sunniest song of the decade, perfect for sipping cocktails on an island so exotic that it most probably doesn’t even exist.

No. 60 The Polyphonic Spree - Light And Day

2010-03-09T06:04:00.001-08:00

This is a cynical world we are living in. Nobody believes in God anymore. Nobody believes in the Government. Even sportspeople are no longer the perfect role models they once were. All the foundations upon which our great civilization has been built have crumbled. Yet people still need leadership. So where should they search, to fill the aching universal need for fulfillment?

The Polyphonic Spree can give you that something to believe it. The comprehensive theory that explains everything. That makes you go “OF COURSE! Why did I never see this before? It’s all so obvious now. I should spend the rest of my life going up to strangers and hugging them!”

In the meantime the Polyphonic Spree themselves mostly seem to believe in “the sun” which does at least have the distinct advantage of actually existing.

No. 61 Simian Mobile Disco - Hustler

2010-03-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

Pretty much definitely the most fun dance party album of the decade, full of what I believe the kids now call “OMG OMG OMG moments.”

“Hot Dog” with it’s “down down baby down by the rollercoaster” clapping game chorus is another. If this doesn’t start your party of on the good foot, just give up.

“It’s The Beat” is one even though it is lying because it is indeed much more than just the beat, it’s the whole Technotronic gone bratty-ness of it all.

But in the end, it’s all about “Hustler” with it’s defense of people who steal records from record store, and this is despite it’s rather dated subject matter. I mean why doesn’t she just download the records from a file-sharing network site? And the rather dated lexicon. I mean, when was the last time you actually heard anyone say “my ass is broke”? Such dated phrases makes it sound charming and adorable (and so unconvincingly like an actually hustler, if I’m to be honest, and kind of patronizing), and you can forgive her for destroying the music industry. Especially since “Hustler” was a record worth actually paying for.

No. 62 Joanna Newsom - The Spout And The Bean

2010-03-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

One of the most frustrating things about life in the noughties, is that time machines have still not been invented yet! When, oh when, shall this happen?!? Joanna New-(ironic name)-som is clearly sick of waiting as has created her own medieval (or Colonial American according to people who know, most of whom are American themselves and therefore obviously have a motive for claiming such romantic imagery for themselves) universe. Regardless of when or where the setting of Joanna’s tunes exactly is (she does mention “kings,” which they have in Europe but not America. I’m just saying) it is clearly a magical land, and one which I would like to travel to, in my time machine, one day.

No. 63 Tatu - All The Things She Said

2010-03-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Nobody understood their love.

Came out of outer-space – well, post-socialist, capitalism-gone-wrong Russia – with the power of a nightmare/dream-that-you-probably-shouldn’t-talk-about, and as probably the best noughties example of that most guilty of guilty pleasures: the manufactured pop group. And how manufactured!?!? Trevor Horne was involved – he, who was behind “Video Killed The Radio Star” in 1979, thus predicting the entire 80s before it even happened, as well as producing Frankie Goes To Hollywood, who essentially with their songs-as-advice-about-how-not-to-ejaculate-whilst-having-gay-sex strategy were the 80s version of Tatu – and the whole thing was based on market research from their manager/child psychologist (remember this name, so as not to send your children to him)/advertising “guru” Ivan Shapovalov who discovered, and I quote, in broken English, “Majority of people search through Internet for pornography- especially in relation to the underage people. I realized that their necessities are not satisfied. And, as it became clear later, I was right. But it also corresponded to my personal desires. I also prefer the underage ones.” Thank you for sharing Ivan.

And if that wasn’t controversial enough, covering the Smiths on the b-side! Gosh!

It was also hugely influential. I mean it, yes it was. A fore-runner for the pseudo-lesbian-transexual-electro-bubblegum-pop-blah that took over the charts in the last couple of years of the decade: Apologies then to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl”, Lady GaGa’s “Bad Romance” and both “Untouched” and “Take Me On The Floor” by the Veronica’s (who managed to add some incest into the mix as well, what is the world coming to?).

No. 64 Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For

2010-03-03T06:07:00.000-08:00

Not just another song of inspiration. Most songs of inspiration attempt to build up your self-confidence and tell you that you are good enough to achieve anything. Gwen, the old punk that she apparently used to be, takes a different tack, telling you that you are a useless “stupid ho” if you don’t. So rude.

But the two most important factors are of course:

(a) The “Harajuku Girls” thing (do I have to explain that Harajuku is a suburb of Tokyo where teenagers dress up like… well… who the hell knows?).

It – and that “Fruits” book – inspired me enough to visit the Harajuku girls in Japan, at which time, if my memory is correct, I sang “What You Waiting For” in a karaoke bar. And the universes cosmic dance goes full circle… or something.

Inserting a reference to Harajuku girls in a bridge to a song, for no apparent reason, in a song of inspiration was one thing. Writing a whole song about them on the other hand may have been the most patronizing example of cultural appropriatism of all time. Or was it? The debate still rages, amongst people who are about that sort of thing.

(b) The fact that, if nothing else, Gwen’s first few singles sounded different from pretty much anything else out there, probably an attempt to combine her pseudo-punk (or Punky Brewster-ness, the Harajuku girl cute-ness and the fact that she was working with hip-hop producers. Three worlds that don’t usually interact. The result being that between this and the utter shit-is-bananas-ness of “Hollaback Girl” Gwen made one hell of a good start as a solo pop star icon. Come to think of it, this seems to be a habit for Gwen, starting off well, and then stuffing it all up. Even if you are a rock snob who considers No Doubt as the moment when the “90s alternative revolution” gave up and died, you have to admit that “Just A Girl” and “Don’t Speak” were classics. And then, like Gwen herself, it all ended up a little shit, doing songs with Akon and so on.

No. 65 Scissor Sisters - Laura

2010-03-01T07:37:00.001-08:00

The Scissor Sisters are totally gay. They named themselves after a lesbian sexual position. That's so gay. They give the perception that they spend their days making gay jokes (like this guy I know who could not go an evening without saying “well I’d better be off to bed. I have to get up at Dawn’s crack.” which was only made slightly funnier – ie not very – by raising an eyebrow suggestively whilst he was doing so) whilst trying to figure out how to make their tunes as extravagantly gorgeous as their costumes, whilst also killing time waiting for the moments they live for: the next showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which clearly is the apex of Western civilization. And that is so utterly gay.

And like Rocky Horror Picture Show, it’s all about daring yourself to let yourself go to pleasure, no matter how much your brain or your “morals” or “society” may be telling you that is a bad idea. Don’t think. Feel. Don’t hate them for singing Pink Floyd as if it were a Bee Gees/Frankie Goes To Hollywood mash-up (enough people do already). It feels good. Just go with the flow, stand up and be proud and shout “sh’mon!” That would be totally gay.

No. 66 The Unicorns - I Was Born A Unicorn

2010-03-01T06:30:00.000-08:00

Unicorns have a lot of associations. Mystical creatures. Whimsical. Often ridiculously cute, verging upon the absurd. Can only apparently be tamed by a virgin.

The band The Unicorns was all of these things (other than the virgin thing, probably), and you could dance to them. They were particularly “ridiculously cute, verging upon the absurd.” Just look at that album cover. It involves a rainbow. Drawn in texta, or crayon, or something very childish. Then there is this lightning bolt. They create the cutesyness and then they destroy it, scared that there is no room for it in this messed up world. They were perfect therefore for anyone who had ever wanted the Flaming Lips to make a polka record (c’mon, how good would that be? Somebody suggest it to Wayne, I’m sure he’d be down with the idea).

Then they became Islands (thus ensuring that like the unicorn itself, it would become extinct), who had a song called “Rough Gem” which if anything, was more absurd, and also easier to dance to, thus demonstrating that catchy little pop ditties can still do your head in.

No. 67 Rihanna - Umbrella

2010-03-01T05:46:00.001-08:00

At this stage in the game (which now, in pop terms, is rather late) it’s rather senseless to discuss her addition of an additional syllable to Umb-er-ella, or whether “ah ah ah ah ah” is irritating or a moment of pop genius. It is, of course, the latter. It’s almost too late to discuss the brilliance of having the most unemotional (almost nasal) R&B singer (“little miss sunshine”? oh come on) on the planet singing a song of eternal loyalty. It’s slightly inappropriate to discuss how hot she looks in the video as a burlesque performer, or the “come into me” outro. All done in the same slightly bored manner in which Rihanna does everything, the same slightly put-upon air of a girl who is being constantly reminded that with great hotness comes great responsibility.

All that remains is the way you feel the moment you hear the first high-hat sizz (possibly the only high-hat sizz so distinctive that the song can be recognized on the first beat alone) and the way your hair stands on end and your hands fly up in a victorious fist, after she yells “because” at the beginning of the post-bridge chorus! Or which ever your personal favorite part of this monster of a tune is.

No. 68 Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches

2010-02-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches
Uploaded by choufi. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Question : Let’s say you are a washed-up has-been pop star from the 90s, and you’ve been dumped by your record company. What do you do? Do you give up and get a job in admin? Or do you go out, get a new haircut, start your own record label (Konichiwa Records, current signings = One, herself), and just BE AMAZING (redesigning yourself as a cartoon superhero in the process)!!!! It’s a beautiful story of self belief as performed by the Powerpuff Girls.
This means that whilst other pop stars might winge about “I can’t beliiieeevvveee the record company got me dressed up in a giant bee/Eskimo/microphone costume!!! It’s sooo embarrassing!!” doing such things was clearly Robyn’s own creative decision. The degradation some people will voluntarily put themselves through just in order to become pop stars. The result is pure-pop music utterly untainted by focus groups and market research. This is pure-pop music made for the only reason pop music should ever be made – for the fun of it – and if Robyn isn’t the most perfect album that ever stood up and proudly announced that “bubblegum” should not be a dirty word…. This is partially because whilst making proud declarations of kitsch-love that would make any classic rock loving redneck reach for their gun, she even more proudly fills songs up with more – and more creative – declarations of “I’m the greatest” than (insert your favourite hip-hop star here). Would Jay-Z boast that he “look tasty like a French bon-bon”?

No. 69 Architecture In Helsinki - Do The Whirlwind

2010-02-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

I’ve found myself in the middle of a high-than-average number of conversations about the Beatles recently (the average itself, usually being quite high), and the general gist can be summed up by “The Beatles basically invented pop, reinvented pop, turned pop on its head, recorded everything they ever recorded then split up” within about seven years. Which brings up the issue if can you actually imagine any band today going from “Love Me Do” to “Abbey Road” within the same period.

Well, actually, yes.

Although times have changed and bands don’t release a couple of albums a year anymore like the Beatles did, were the Beatles able to go from softly spoken ukulele ambient-techno-folk songs to bongo-based world-electronica (a journey in which “Do The Whirlwind” can pretty much be considered as the half way point) in just three albums? Particularly given that these are genres that don’t even officially exist?

Could they go from this…

To this?

No.

And so, it has been scientifically proven that Architecture In Helsinki are greater than the Beatles.

No. 70 The White Stripes - We Are Going To Be Friends

2010-02-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

Given that the White Stripes shtick is all about simplicity, and nostalgia, and the perfect ying-yang relationship between a guy who talks a lot and a girl that doesn’t talk at all, and simply communicates by pushing the hair out of her eyes, of course one of their best songs is this adorable little ode (ode feels like the most suitable word) to primary school days, those keeping his career options open to becoming a children’s television singer if this rock gig doesn’t pan out. Even the lyrics are simple, as if Jack was following the Dr Suess technique of the least number of words with the smallest number of syllables possible (most words have only one syllable and the longest word is “alphabet” a word we can comfortably assume that most kids know)

Which lyric is the most adorable do you think? The one about the “books and pens”? Or the one about the “ants and worms”? The one about the teacher marking their height against the wall? There is barely a line in this song that doesn’t evoke a happy childhood memory of some sort.

Jack would revisit their childhood in “Hardest Button To Button” with rockingly good (if not so innocent sounding) results.

No. 71 The Streets - Fit But You Know It

2010-02-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

Everything I learnt about the British when I was a kid I got from Adrian Mole. Everything I learnt as a young adult I learnt from Jarvis Cocker. And everything I learnt as a slightly older adult I learnt from Mike Skinner. I should probably go there one day. Over the decades not a lot appears to have changed: their diet still appears to centre around fish & chips for example. They still use phrases that are virtually incomprehensible to any non-Anglophile, a fact that Mike himself appears to be conscious of, to the extent that he is even thoughtful enough to go through a detailed explanation of the complex nature of the two conflicting definitions of the word “rude.” Even the title makes no grammatical sense.

How exactly “Fit” fits into the whole “A Grand Don’t Come For Free” – which by the way is the best hip-hopera of all time, largely due to being about the life of a character of frustrating uselessness (the kind of adorably useless character who would be forced to resort to “yes yes oh yay” when he’s trying to find an appropriate rhyme for “café” which is understandable given that Mike’s characters don’t often spend a lot of time in cafés unless they are of the “greasy spoon” variety) – plot, where one minute he’s losing a thousand quid down the back of the TV and getting dumped by his girlfriend (if “Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way” isn’t the most romantic song in the world, then I don’t know anything about romance*), and the next he’s getting drunk on holiday in Ibiza, I’ve never quite understood. Unless he got a really good deal with Ryannair I’m really not sure how he afforded it. Let’s just be glad that he did.

* It’s entirely possible that I don’t know anything about romance.

No. 72 The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So

2010-02-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

The extent that a band rocks can usually be determined by the number of “yeah”s “woo”s “alights” and “C’mons” – and other yelps of joy that they can fit in pop song. I personally believe that the winner of this is Billy Idol’s “Cradle Of Love” which has around 50 – I always get too excited to keep an exact count – and although “HTSITYS” only has a pitiful six, it seems like so much more given that one of them is “yyeeeeaaaaahhhhhh” and the fact that Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist – who would have been the world’s greatest Mick Jagger impersonator if it weren’t for the fact that he was possibly better – sings every lyric as if it was a “woo” and every “yeah” as if it were actually a legitimate lyric.

They were also probably the best looking band of the decade, primarily due to their natty threads. Not a bad achievement given that they featured probably the coolest fat dude in rock as well as a guy with a porn moustache.

No. 73 The Pipettes - Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me

2010-02-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

In a decade that seemed to contain a new retro revival every week, in which ideas from the past returned in a rainbow of combinations, it was destiny that the final destination would finally emerge, because the world was clearly aching for two things (1) 60s girl groups and (2) GIRL POWER! a combination that was perfect for singing songs in which girls broke up with their boyfriends and told them in detail what exactly was wrong with them. Three girls out on a mission to break boys hearts (chewing them up and spitting them out) to big fun and thumping drums, and badly choreographed dances. “Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me” was specially designed to extract pain with scientific precision. Even down to the decision to use the word “boy”, a far more belittling choice that the alternative “man.” This was pure bliss.

And since you can not start a revolution without suggesting that everything that came before you sucked, and people don’t know how to dance and have fun anymore, here we have their manifesto…

No. 74 Aaliyah - Try Again

2010-02-21T05:27:00.001-08:00

Using the same strategy as those businesses who call themselves AAAAA Plumbing Supplies so they are first in the Yellow Pages listing, I have heard this song a zillion times this decade whenever I press the wrong button on my iPod. Yet the song still sounds amazing, since it is one of maybe a handful of mega-budget R&B hits to sound somewhat spooky. When Timbaland mutters the old Eric B & Rakim “been a long time” line, it sounds vaguely threatening of something more than just getting down to party, before providing a dope beat that so broken that you’d need far more rhythm that I to be able to step to it. It’s more something you’d put your headphones on for, and go “oh yeah, I like what you’ve done there with the squiggly bassline and slow motion hi hat. Clever.” And original. There was little in mega-budget R&B quite like it.

And then there is Aaliyah herself, whose death has made her into an R&B version of Jeff Buckley, a performer so perfect/ cut down in their prime, so sad, she could have been one of the greats etc. Here she seduces and slides her way through the politics of first dates and whether one should put out on the first date, doing it all in such a smooth manner that also begs for headphone listening, eye-closing, drifting off and thinking “ah she seems like such a nice girl.”

No. 75 Lily Allen - The Fear

2010-02-21T04:12:00.000-08:00

Reasons that Lily Allen is the best pop star we have. This could take a while:

Seemingly never happy about anything – her body, her sex life, even being a pop star, which one would assume would be a highly enjoyable job (when she sang “she’s got a steady job but it’s not a career/ every time she thinks about it, it moves her to tears” in “22” it’s uncertain whether she’s either (a) judgmentally looking at her protagonists life and assuming that everyone who isn’t a big pop star has unsatisfying lives, or (b) referring to her own pop star career as being a steady job) she can even turn a song about riding a bike on a summers day into a tale of sleaze and crime, that's how much of a downer she can be - the spoilt brat is obviously not the first pop star to turn their careers into one long and tedious whinge-fest and there is little doubt that she will not be the last. What makes Lily more exciting however is the way in which she does it, combining pure wit (most of her song lyrics) with telling the world about her nervous breakdowns on her blog.

If, as is often suggested, record companies and pop star managers spend their time stage managing their talent attempting to ensure that even if they have a personality that the public never gets to hear about it (not that they usually have to worry much), then if this is what gets through into the public eye then what she says in private must be pure gold! You’ll need to get used to this sort of stuff because this is the future of music, pop stars competing on who has the most exciting Twitter-feeds, in addition to the more glamorous dress or classic album. Pop stardom has always attracted those with ego-maniac leanings, so prepare now for the uber-ego, and its evil-twin, the uber-disfunctional-personality-disorder-to-help-you-feel-better-about-yourself. Pop stars are basically characters in the long running drama of media, and whether Lily retires or not, she has been a great and complex character for girls who worry too much (I love the fact that Google – I assume its Google – has decided that the best thing to advertise up the top of the Lily Allen fan page is a relationship counselor with the slogan “Make Him Fall For You”).

It’s entirely unlikely that Katy Perry – whose shtick is primarily based on looking as hot and clueless and as much like a soft-porn star as possible – could ever make anything like it. Or deliver a line like “I’m not a saint and I’m not a sinner/ now everything’s cool as long as I’m getting thinner,” to mention just one of the genius lines that populate this song, probably the best analysis-of-our-celebrity-lifestyle-as-pop-song ever.

No. 76 Sarah Blasko - Don't You Ever

2010-02-21T03:54:00.001-08:00

Coming across like the shyest pop star Australia has ever produced, Sarah here is singing what I’m pretty sure is a song about modesty (subtext: do you actually want to see me naked? Remember what Rilo Kiley sang at No. 160 about sex ruining the mystery?) and/or privacy (subtext: Are you sure that you want to read my diary? Aren’t you worried that it shall ruin the mystery…). All of which is appropriate for a lass who parents were missionairies and who went to Hillsong as a teenager. Sarah’s thing is now to be the ultimate rock’n’roll goody two shoes, looking like an all-grown up Catholic school girl skipping along on the way to school. And, I can only speculate, getting marriage proposals every time she goes shopping. Even the way she pronounces her lyrics, with so much Henry-Higgins-esque precision that you expect her to offer you a cup of tea and cucumber sandwiches at the end of the song. And to paraphrase my girlfriend Jacqui who once (actually several times) said the same about Julie Andrews, “I highly doubt that Sarah Blasko has ever pooped.” Clearly there is something about this voice and her vintage clothing collection that does things to people.

It isn’t often that Australian pop music lovers find Christian upbringing to be exotic, or enigmatic (a bit kooky maybe), so this is quite an achievement of hers. Almost as big an achievement as making “Flame Trees” into the tear jerker that it was always pretending that it wasn’t.

No. 77 Mclusky - To Hell With Good Intentions

2010-02-21T00:15:00.000-08:00

Whether it’s actually about rock bands comparing their relative penis size – apparently it is not, although c’mon guys, why not? That might be the only way that this song could possibly be more gnarly – the rock dude uses the old trick of getting his audience excited by making/forcing/putting a gun to their head so that they’ll sing along, egging Mclusky on to heights of rock-dom rarely seem, heights of rock-dom that few bands can scale, with a bassline fatter than your bassline, a wall of crunchy guitar sound louder than your wall of crunchy guitar sound, drumming fiercer than your drumming, so that when he yells out “my dad is bigger than your dad, he’s got eight cars and a house in Ireland,” there is really no way that you can come back to that.

If you are in a sweaty black t-shirt wearing rock band and its name is not Mclusky, then I recommend that you just give up (unless you actually are into it just for the music and you don’t care about fame or anything and just want to jam) because you’ll never rock as hard as these guys.

No. 78 Dizzee Rascal feat Calvin Harris and Chrome – Dance Wiv Me

2010-02-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

As soon as the sexy disco soul intro rolls in, and Chrome gives us his best “Sexual Healing” impersonation (who is this guy anyway? Surely in this post-Akon world we are living in, any dude who can put that much energy into “she’s good to gooooo!” deserves his own Wikipedia entry) , it is instantly obvious that this is a guilty pleasure of a very high standard, as Dizzee dumps his previous career as the king-of-grime, to fully embrace the art-form of shameless guilty pleasures, and become a fully-formed king-of-pop star.

Given that his “rage” programming in 2008 started off with “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer before thumping through Kriss Kross, Reel 2 Reel, Snow, Vanilla Ice and Ginuwine you can be sure that the man had studied his art in meticulous detail.

From Ginuwine he learnt how to write sexy pickup lines – “I’ve been keeping my eyes on your movements/I can’t see no room for improvement”. From MC Hammer he learned how to not spell proper. From Vanilla Ice he learned how to (a) come across as douche, whilst (b) being entirely likeable anyway.

He’d already learned everything that he could from Reel 2 Reel.

Meanwhile Calvin throws as many ear-pleasing hooks into the mix as possible ridiculously catchy basslines, stylish keyboard grooves the best use of Hawaiian drums since “Kokomo”, turning it into a hook-fest that I challenge you not to party your ass off to

No. 79 Grandaddy - Crystal Lake

2010-02-18T07:14:00.000-08:00

Futuristic folk. Some genres take off. Some just crash and burn. Maybe they are just before their time.

Here are some of the topics that Grandaddy write songs about…

* The band building a robot called Jed who rusts to death after they neglected him and he got drunk.
* A national part made out of broken domestic appliances, named somewhat predictably “Broken Household Appliance National Park”
* A song that sounds as though it’s about Google Earth. This song was released in 2000. Google Earth didn’t exist until 2004 (also a more primitive version existed in 2001). See what I mean about being ahead of their time.
* Remember, Jed the robot? Apparently he wrote a poem. There’s a song about it. Turns out he’s a Beck fan (as curiously, is Bender from Futurama… interesting)

Also of which are quite bizarre topics for songs, I’m sure that you’d agree. And being released in 2000, at the beginning of the new millennium was the perfect time to ponder, what will the future be like? The answer, so it appears, is full of unavoidable technology, yet still human issues, such as loneliness and rejection, shall still pre-occupy our live, despite our Facebook profiles (which of course did not exist back then, maybe Friendster did) claiming that we have hundreds of friends, do we really? One day, Grandaddy shall be remembered as the indie-pop version of Jules Verne and HG Wells. Clearly they were visionary.

No. 80 Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You

2010-02-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You (Official Music Video) - These bloopers are hilarious

Everyone needs a favourite Justin song, if only in an attempt to try and avoid just hating on how cool he is. And since I like songs to have “good bits” here’s a run down of all the good bits of my personal favourite Justin track.

0.01 Gotta love a Gypsy Kings style, flamenco guitar intro
0.02 Gotta love a monologue
0.05 Whilst talking sexy, he goes all “whatever” to show he doesn’t even care. Well played
0.15 “Don’t fear me baby… it’s just Justin.” How many Justins would have used that line this decade? I wish my name was Justin. Mum, why couldn’t you have named me Justin?
0.30 “a frump face” wtf? Is that supposed to be a smooth pick-up line? Well I guess you don’t have to have a smooth pick up line, when you are Justin!
0.55 the first example of that bad falsetto. The first time, it might freak you out a little. The second time you might laugh. The third time, it’s kind of cool
2:30 “here baby put on my jacket… and then”
2:35 “I just wanna love you baby” which in the video is delivered right in the face of the hot hootchie mama. Which I always thought was awesome. Because what hot hootchie mama doesn’t want a falsetto in their face?
3:20 at the end of the rap “J Timberlake… now how heavy is that?” Not very to be frank with you, but keep going
3:25 more falsetto in the face (which is obviously the opposite of bass in your face)
3:35 a very nice “ho!”
3:55 “you know I used to dream about this when I was a little boy. Never thought it would end up this way.” Which sounds both very philosophical, and like he was making his Grammy Award winning speech before the song has even finished.
4:00 “Drums” translated as “stuff this philosophical shit, let’s get dancing”
4:15 “You know you think about. Some people are just destined, destined, to do what they do. That’s what it is.”
I think there’s a little something in there for everyone. Don’t you?

No. 81 Ben Kweller - Falling

2010-02-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

Ben Kweller is your cool dope smoking loser friend from high school. And now he is 29. But he’s probably still in high school, because he just doesn’t want to leave, and doesn’t want to go out into the world and get a haircut and get a real job. He has, in other words, the “rock’n’roll” gene, and everything just comes naturally to him. itics have been waiting for Ben to grow up, but indications are that as he gets older, the songs are going to sound younger and younger – I suspect he may be having issues and a quarter life crisis – and I hope this continues. Growing up is not only over-rated but is opposed to the entire rock’n’roll, not to mention the slacker, lifestyle. I hope to see Ben Kweller one day, living in a retirement village, still calling everyone “dude” and still with the same giant mop on his head (and let me tell you, there are few rock stars that I would say that about). You see, he problem with rock’n’roll is that although its supposed to be about young people, its mostly made by not-so-young people singing about being young, and that’s kind of disturbing.

Bu Ben Kweller has that amazed about everything look that that kid in “Almost Famous” did, and “Falling” is him in “Tiny Dancer” mode. Put in on your next road-trip mix-tape/iPod playlist now.

It is for these reasons that Ben Kweller is the coolest Ben of the noughties. That and his cover of “Ice Ice Baby.”

Take that Fold’s and your “Bitches Aint Shit.”

No. 82 Annie - Heartbeat

2010-02-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

It was a good decade for songs called “Heartbeat”. It was a good decade for Scandinavians with songs called “Heartbeat.” It was a good decade for Scandinavians. Not a lot bad you can say about the noughties at all really.

Annie’s “Heartbeat” is all giddy butterflies and having a crush on a guy when she doesn’t even know his name. It’s about dancing. Feeling her heartbeat may or may not be an invitation for a grope. Such ingredients in a pop song offer the promise of something amazing. And “Heartbeat” is, because she manages to do something incredible, and not just the fact that she makes double denim look good. She turned whispering into a valid form of musical expression (with the bonus that you can hear her breathing in and out which is totally hot). It’s almost like the voice is in your head. It’s almost like dream bubble gum pop (Annie has such a love for bubblegum pop that I’m sure she does dream about it). I’m not sure if she ever got on Top Of The Pops (it was axed about the time that was just getting kind of big(ish)), making it another fail in her bitter sweet life.

It is for this reason (her love of pop, not to mention the sophistication and the cute-ness – two characteristics that rarely go well with each other, but then we are comparing her to a generation of trashbags so expectations might low - with which she does what she does) that she has become the favourite pop star for Gen Xers who don’t want to let their pop dreams go just yet.

No. 83 Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone

2010-02-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

Is “Since You’ve Been Gone” the best karaoke song of all time? A matter that has been puzzling the KJ’s of the world. Here we now have the arguments for and against…

FOR: The bored verse one, perfect for eye rolling, blowing your emo fringe out of your eyes (perfect for both boys and girls) and other motions performed with the singular intention of acting blasé, as if you are indeed “so moving on.” The use of the word “so” in the chorus is particular genius, showing that she is in touch with timeless youth vernacular. Which of course brings us to the AWESOME CHORUS!!!!!

The CHORUS!!! The “yeah yeahs!!” The wave of release and attitude.

The bitter verse two.

The last minute, featuring Punch Number One of the …. Music Disappears, Chorus Blows Up, Music Appears Again Trick. Always a classy move. The Punch Number Two, which is not a key change it’s a … gosh I don’t know actual music theory or anything… but the bit where she goes up a bit. Then the “I’m okay, I’ve got it out of my system” ending.

Gosh, I almost feel like breaking up with my girlfriend just so I can sing this song again.

Also it’s a Max Martin song and he knows what he is doing.

AGAINST: Not a lot really, other than the fact that Summer Of ’69 already exists.

No. 84 Jens Lekmen - Postcard To Nina

2010-02-17T05:40:00.000-08:00

There are a million things to like about young Jens. Apparently, the example, in Sweden it’s the jocks that listen to The Smiths, not the nerds (imagine that), so what it a sensitive little teenage nerd to do? He becomes a closet fan of Euro-dance. And sings songs that make him sounds like a not-so-closet fan of Barry Manilow.

And speaking of people in the closet – how good was that segueway? – here is a song – that happens to have the best use of the phrase “out-of-office-auto reply” ever -
about a friend (who is a lesbian) who gets Jens to pretend to be her boyfriend in front of her scary Catholic German father. And these are just the kind of scrapes that you could imagine Jens to get in. Scrapes where the guy is just way too nice to say “You’ve got to be kidding. Fight your own fights bitch.” In other songs he tries to get to know his sister. How nice. In another he plays bingo (which rhymes with Ringo and Zingo, the later of which is a Swedish soft drink don't you know) tournament, in a song that is so much more fun that an actual bingo tournament. But then listening to Jens, and his songs that resemble few things more comedy routine as told on a Love Boat themed cruise ships, is so much more fun that most things. It’s likely that he was too sensitive to listen to The Smiths anyway.

No. 85 The Killer - Mr Brightside

2010-02-17T04:20:00.000-08:00

The Killers, or at least Brandon Flowers (has anyone actually noticed the other members? Are there even any other members?) are/is a showman (some would call him a bit of a ponce and there is certainly much evidence to support such a claim - the "stop right now thank you very much" pose at 0.40 for just one of many examples). Very few performers have ever been so eager to please their audience and lap up the tsunami of admiration that is their due, with a pansy-like flick of the wrist, the kind of chin-raised pose that only old revolutionary leaders can convincingly pull off and put on t-shirts, the ability to produce pile epic chorus on top of epic chorus…

When I saw them at the Big Day Out… well I didn’t really see them, since I am short, and people are tall, but what I did see I shall never forget. In the entire crowd I do not think that there was a person who was not singing every lyric to every song at the top of their voices. It was a karaoke performance – or driving in a car singing along with the radio - by a cast of thousands (and I’m not just talking “Mr Brightside”, I’m talking singles and album cuts and everything!) and it was extraordinary and just… WOW!

“Mr Brightside” is a song designed specifically to please, from NOT rhyming sick with dick (an old trick – Kelis had already done it - but a goodie) to choruses that mean nothing “jealousy/ turning saints into the sea” (?!!!???!) but mostly the way he sounds genuinely peaved, when (for example) he states that he’s “just FINE!” - and as we all know when a girl says that it’s fine that means that you’re fucked, and the same probably goes for guys with names like Brandon Flowers – and even “I just can’t look it’s killing me” you can feel the pain behind the cliché. Through all this Brandon is prancing and pouncing about in his tribute to every indie anthem to lonely clumsiness (which is pretty much every indie anthem), and having a marvelous time.

No. 86 Amerie - 1 Thing

2010-02-17T04:00:00.001-08:00

My jaw has dropped, I’m picking it up. It initially dropped five years ago. But it still happens from time to time. There are three reasons for this…

(1) The Beat. Or more specifically the million beats all happening at the same time. If only all drum solos were this thrilling.
(2) The fact that Amerie is HOT! Particularly in that “ding ding ding ding” bit. wooh!
(3) The Voice. I’ve put this last because actually sometimes I hear it and I go, aaah if only they gave this to Beyonce.

So really it’s about the beat (and the hotness). But what a beat! Well done to everyone involved.

No. 87 Electric Six - Gay Bar

2010-02-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

I wish I was a member of Electric Six. Other than the fact that it would instantly turn me into a rock god of Zeus like stature, writing songs would be so easy.

Here we have a run down of the amount of times the following words have appeared in Electric Six’s “Fire” album, which for some reason is not part of the rock cannon yet, which is very sad…

FIRE!!!!! -26
DANCE!!!!!! (and derivations there of) - 23
DEMONS!!!!! - 7
WAR!!!!! -6

Just combine any of those four words into a sentence, add a couple of demands to “COME ON!” and you’ve pretty much got three minutes of rock schlock that is a million more times funnier than The Darkness, if only because although tight pants and high voices are funny, suits and an overload of testosterone (Dick Valentine – best rock’n’roll name ever – doesn’t so much sing as chant as though he’s leading an army brigade, blowing a whistle and shouting in your face for having your shoes a little scuffed) is even funnier.

“Gay Bar” then is a bit more restrained than other Electric Six songs, since it only has two mentions of WAR! But any song that is reportedly used by red neck sport teams to freak out other red neck sport teams, deserves a football jersey of some kind (I’d suggest Collingwood).

You want unrestrained Electric Six, operating on all FIREY DEMONIC DANCING CYLINDERS? Okay. But I warn you… this level of AWESOMENESS you may not be able to handle.

No. 88 50 Cent - In Da Club

2010-02-15T07:24:00.001-08:00

In the video for “In Da Club”, Fidi is put through some hard core training in order to be the toughest, buffest, meanest, pecs-tiest rapper ever (somewhere in Queens LL Cool J, was crying to his mommy “I can’t knock him out mommy I just can’t”) after of course being operated on by Dr Dre (with Ice-T in a police drama couldn’t Dre have a starring role in Grey’s Anatomy?) and Eminem (which obviously was a big deal at the time) a rapper so hard-core that he don’t even give a fuck its not your birthday. Then there’s that whole being shot thing, like who the fuck hasn’t (actually the main difference between Fidi and Kanye is that Fidi was shot how many times - a few shells -, Kanye was in a car accident and he was even wearing a seat belt, totally not hard-core).

The whole thing is COLD. The beat is BORED. Fidi mumbles like he’s just on the corner mumbling to some social worker how every onez and the whole worldz against him (in the decade that’s past something must’ve happened, cos I can understand pretty much every word of his mumbling, the fact that you supposedly couldn’t being a big thing amongst the oldz at the time), kicking a pebble.

A lot of rappers talk about how they are still “HOOD” but rappin’ about “money pil(ing) up” whilst still sounding trapped, whilst still clearly worried that your gonna get shot again (and not walk with a limp, again), and that is so real. Cos’ he’s “every P” – okay so that’s one of the other guys on this song, I had to tie it in…

No. 89 Outkast - Roses

2010-02-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

Outkast.-.Roses.
Uploaded by covik. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Usually Outkast did the kind of genre blurring songs that made you through your Beck records out in “and I thought you were awesome” styled disgust. “Roses” on the other hand was pure pop. Pure classic pop. Managing to combine Andre 3000 kind of quirky new-age philosophies – from his attempts to describe sex with spiritual metaphors – probably in order to make him sound like even more of a sex god than he would otherwise be – “send them a postcard from 3000 HARD!” - which fortunately there are none here the closest being the classic “real guys go for real down-to-Mars girls” – and “I’m so different now I’m doing kids cartoon theme songs” craziness, with Big Boi’s rather more typical hip-hop preoccupations, such as that a girl is just using you for your money “oh so you're one them freaks, get geeked at the sight of ATM receipts”, but that’s okay because your just using her for her body - “I wanna see ya support bra not support you”.

Combining both sides of the Outkast universe, and sounding like a classic the first time you heard it, - naming a girl in the song will do that for you, any girl called Caroline will wet herself, unless they find out that they are a stuck-up bitch (self realization is hard) even to the extent of having a nickname (or at least I’ve heard it before referred to as the “poo poo song” on at least one occasion) and if that isn’t a sign of a classic I don’t know what is. And of course nostalgic hip-hop songs about girls in high school always go down well.

And how good is the video, featuring both Paula Abdul (best thing she’s done since that song with the cat) and the lovable fat guy. Speaking of lovable, I’m a couple of days late for St Valentines day but …

Leprechans? Groundhogs? The Easter Bunny? Wtf? Yeah, weird new age shit.

No 90 The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

2010-02-15T05:56:00.000-08:00

There’s a certain beauty in being pathetic. Can’t sing. Can’t rap. Can’t get decent reception on his phone. Doesn’t really have much of a way with words (“it’s shaking, my life is crashing before my eyes/ turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies/ wondering whether to have a burger or fries”). Can’t get a, keep a, chick.

Who would have thought that a guy who is such a loser can come up with something this touching. Because losers have feelings too, and although Mike is crying inside, he still talks like he always has. And that is, as though eloquence is some fancy word he’s never heard of.

“By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers.” “I’m not gonna fuckin’ just leave it all now.” That fooking poetry innit. You know, I never meet anyone English without being slightly, and vaguely, disappointed. I keep on expecting them to talk like Mike. I’ve studied Mike’s work. I thought I knew how to speak Cockney. But they not like that. Not really. We all been had. Don’t really matter… cos this is a fookin choon!

No. 91 Nelly - Hot In Herre

2010-02-15T05:10:00.000-08:00

When he was good he was very very good (probably the best cheesy rap-star of his generation). When he was bad, well, then that was a “dilemma” (no Nelly, just because some hot chick moves across the road from you, it doesn’t actually mean you have to bone her. If it were Beyonce on the other hand…) and someone needs to tell him that just because PM Dawn can sample Spandau with awesome results it doesn’t mean everyone can.

And what’s the deal with your band-aid? I’m sure you’ve always wondered that as well, so here is the answer:

"Like I said, it's just another beautiful thing that you see that you touch a lot of people, man, you know? I also wear a lot of times when I'm doing national press or something like that, to where I think my little brother City Spud might see it, you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you know he lockdown right now. So I do it to where, you know what I'm sayin', to let him know that we holding it down for him, too, also."

Good thing his raps are a bit more eloquent.

Hell even if he just said “OOHHH!” that would be enough. Nobody says “OOHHH!” with feeling like Nelly.

To follow that up with “good gracious ass bodacious.” That is pure poetry. And it’s a good start. And that’s before he combines perfect logic – “it’s getting hot in here (or “herre” if your (a) a purist and (b) not a stuffy English teacher) so take off all your clothes” – with the power of suggestion – “I am getting so hot I gonna take my clothes off”. Or does the best impersonation of a chick checking out her ass – to see if it’s getting big, like that’s even a problem! – of all time.

Yessir, when he was good, Nelly was very very good. I know I’m touched by the band-aid.

No. 92 Blonde Redhead - 23

2010-02-15T04:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder about beauty. Is it just the absence of ugliness. Or is it something else. An indefinable thing that gives everything around it a glow. That makes you feel unhappy that the rest of the world can not be that beautiful and perfect, the same way as apparently people are committing suicide at the moment out of frustration that the real world is not as perfect as Avatar. I know. People can be pathetic.

If people committed suicide because of this song on the other hand, then I would totally understand.

No. 93 Kanye West - Through The Wire

2010-02-15T04:23:00.000-08:00

Hang out on music web-sites enough and you’ll sooner or later come across the opinion that Kanye changed the course of hip-hop forever, and killed off gangsta-rap, much in the way that Nirvana killed off hair metal.

It’s a big call, and I’ve often wondered if it is an entire accurate one (I’m pretty sure for example, that FloRida would still have gone Number One –twice! – in a non-Kanye world and it does somewhat require the ignoring that Outkast never happened). However, I’m about to make a bigger call.

If it weren’t for Kanye, Barack Obama would not now be President of the United States Of America.

Vibe with me on this one.

Imagine Kanye had never happened. That he died in the car crash in 2002. That 50 Cent was still the biggest rapper in the world. Imagine you are an undecided voter on election day 2008, in a respectable middle class suburb in a marginal state like Ohio or something. Imagine you turn on MTV as you are having your breakfast, and for once they are actually playing music. They are playing 50Cent and he’s boasting about what he be doing to some bitch-nigger-ho. Would that make you feel safe voting for a black man?

On the other hand, you wake up in the morning, turn on MTV, and you’ve got Kanye wearing Louis Vuitton and rapping about Jesus, and sure you might think he looks like a bit of a tosser, and but you’d at him and you’d think “nigger knows how to dress” and that would make you feel far more comfortable wouldn’t it?

In light of this, it’s a bit of a pity that Obama had to call Kanye a jackass, but that’s politics I guess.

If you need to know anything else about Kanye then “Through The Wire” pretty much explains his whole life story, in a funky 5 minute edited down version (he even sounds as though he just got out of the operating theatre his mouth all still fuddled up). But if you’ve got a bit more time on your hands then this jam goes into far more and somewhat painful levels of detail, including the pain of having to put his own Ikea bed together, because he’s that hardcore.

Wait, wait, wait, there’s more to this story. He hasn’t got his dear mother on the record yet…

No. 94 PJ Harvey & Thom Yorke - This Mess We're In

2010-02-15T03:53:00.000-08:00

PJ Harvey is a very serious artist. Thom Yorke is, of course, from Radiohead. They are very serious artists. Put them together and you can assume, just out of pure logic, that it will be something serious. Something technically good, hitting all the notes correctly, with probably insightful lyrics, and probably … kind of boring. Not fun.

One thing you wouldn’t expect is it to sound sexy. Well, from Polly perhaps you might expect it, but from Thom? Yet the beauty of the song is such that Thom can sing “night and day I dream of making love to you my baby” without an automatic reaction of “Yuk, bugger off you sleepy eyed git.” In fact, it’s probably the only enjoyable thing that Thom did the entire decade.

No. 95 Peaches - Fuck The Pain Away

2010-02-14T13:45:00.000-08:00

Read what I just wrote about Feist. Then turn it upside down. Peaches is pure evil and bad moods. I swear that when I saw her live once, she looked in the crowd, right at me, and looked into my soul, and she didn’t like me at all. I could just tell that she hated me. I was disappointed about this, since I always thought we could be good friends (not really, I mean can you imagine it?)

Pop stars have be singing about sex, since before your grandparents were doing it (an unpleasant thought perhaps, but this is a Peaches review so you’d better get used to having unpleasant thoughts). Usually it’s about having fun. With Peaches sex is more about daring people to do things that they might actually prefer not to do. Daring the boys of the world to find her sexy at all for one thing (then calling them pussies for not appreciating her crotch). “Two Guys For Every Girl” for example, might seem like a witty reversal of The Beach Boys, but it requires the leap of faith that a guy would want to have sex with Peaches even if he wasn’t required to go down on another first in order to seal the deal.

Whether – rather uncharacteristically - encouraging kids to “stay in school” (which must be some dirty metaphor that I just don’t understand) or making sex music that is more likely to ruin the mood, Peaches has made an enormous contribution to trying to lower the teenage pregnancy rate. And for that we should be grateful.

No. 96 Feist - Mushaboom

2010-02-13T19:57:00.000-08:00

Talent. Extraordinary levels of talent. The kind of talent – actually being able to sing etc – that is usually associated with evil diva-like monsters singing way-too big power ballads. Feist uses her talent and she plays with it, writing here what might as well be a nursery rhyme for grown-ups. Childish melodies to songs about grown-up concerns such as having a house in country (kids aren’t so into that, because they country-side is booorrrrriiinnnnggggg) and utterly unrock’n’roll sentiments such as growing old, singing in a breezy and sexy manner, that regardless of your age, it’s just impossible too resist. No wonder there’s hardly a Canadian band that hasn’t managed to talk her into joining them. Talent, sexual allure, a warm personality and the ability to write the catchiest jingle since “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” A pretty girl with talent. That deserves mentioning.